I didn't know…but I 'knew it all!'

I didn’t know –
but I ‘knew it all!’ I was self-propelled. I was living, so I thought… and the theme to my rhythm was,”Nothing’s gonna rain on my parade” and “I’ll do it my way!” My thoughts were loud and clanging inside my head and they ‘breathed fire’ I suppose and when I looked in the mirror the reflection was often, “I am woman hear me roar!” …yet deep, deep inside, where no one could see, not even myself in all my complexity –  was a pit so dark and empty and I didn’t know…
but it was filled to the brim with doubt and insecurity.
Why do I struggle to write these words? What’s the purpose anyhow?
If I can spare one single soul from ‘walking the hell’ of internal insanity- it is worth it! It is worth it! I will fight for the words that might keep some interest. I will fight because…
fear and doubt enveloped me and there was NO POWER to escape their snare. My ‘goals’ were but vapor, I was standing on ‘sinking ground,’ I was ‘grasping for the wind! My dreams…they had wings. My mind at times felt spinning and chaotic, without being sound. So I ran in ‘self-destructive’ path each and every day. Two steps forward and 5 the other way!
I hope you don’t know this place in which I’m writing. I hope you don’t understand a single word I say…but I write, just in case there is even, just one –  who can  end up writing the very same story. So in 500 words I plan to write a novel, because we just don’t have time for these things. So we race and rush to keep up with the ‘urgent’ that we don’t even have time for our ‘dreams’.
A song written years ago by Warwick to Alfie, asks the same questions as I, when the road I was on suddenly split 2 directions: “What’s it all about Alfie? Is it just for the moment we live?…Are we meant to take more than we give? Or are we meant to be kind?”
“And if, only fools are kind, Alfie, then I guess it is wise to be cruel.”
“And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie, what will you lend on an old golden rule?”
So I listened with intensity to the words of the song, hoping for some answers to find: “I believe in love, Alfie. Without true love we just exist…until you find the love you’ve missed, you’re nothing Alfie.” So I pondered this thought …’Until you find the love you’ve missed, your nothing Alfie, …your nothing Alfie,… your nothing… until you find the love you’ve missed…
I was  missing ‘true love’. ‘Without ‘true-love’ we just exist…’ I didn’t know, but I had to KNOW True Love.
But then I learned, that in all things ‘bad’,  in the chaos, the sickness, the great loneliness inside – True Love held out His Hand… to me. I was hungry, I was broken, I was a mess, beside… But True Love reached way down in that deep- dark pit, and He said, “Let there be light,!”  and there was light!
Even when no one else would, True Love held out His Hand, and He forgave me and He took my old-hard stubborn heart, and He gave me a new one and He breathed in me life.  And, He says to me daily, “I love you. Will you be my Bride?”
“What’s it all about, Alfie? Alfie, it’s all about True Love- His name is Jesus. He  – will –  never –  leave your side!