Category: My Story

Why Write?

I felt as if God woke me up and put on my heart, “Get up and write.” Not only last night, but after the cancer diagnosis.

“You’ve got cancer,” were the words from the Doctor eight years ago.

As many of you know, these words change your lives forever.

The urgency to write came. And, yes, even if the words were written primarily for me. God wanted me to write.

I didn’t know then that I would see eight years out, as I am today. During treatments, everything’s a blur.

I wrote to keep my vision as clear as possible of the Lord.

And, many of you know, I didn’t always have clear vision. Often, my view became distorted, warped, foggy. I needed help staying on course.

I’ll never forget a phone call with my sister Susie after a handful of treatments. I was more than under the weather. I felt thrown under the bus. (I will be blunt and honest,

I’m a believer in Jesus. He has washed my horrible sins away. He gave me His Holy Spirit to convict, convince, and reveal Christ . . .

I was hurting and completely without strength. I wanted to go home!  To heaven, home. Yes, exclamation point).

My sister Susie said the best words I needed to hear that day. They don’t seem like much, but they were the perfect reminder I needed to hear:

“Toni, people that keep faith do better in their battle.”

That was it. I had to keep faith.

Immediately, I had the will to live return. God does the changes in our heart that we can’t do ourselves.

That’s why I write. To remind myself Christ is the Rock. Cancer is not a podium to stand on, no, Jesus must be lifted up because He’s the giver of life after death. Jesus is the hope of heaven.

Jesus is our everything. We don’t realize it until someone gives you a death sentence.

The one truth in life, that is often pushed out of sight out of mind, is the fact that 100% of us will die. At some time or another, each of us will face death.

But I write because I don’t have to face death. This is the glory of it all. Our resurrected Lord, will resurrect us to be with Him in paradise. We only graduate to our home.

But we need each other. To spur us on for love and good works. My sister spurred me on to the best work I could ever do in my whole life: Keep believing God. Always.

When we don’t have strength to hold on, He’s got a hold on us.

Don’t condemn yourself for becoming weary and faithless. He is faithful. And, while it is today,

I will write, to the glory of God, I will.

“Where, O death, is your victory?

    Where, O death, is your sting?”[i]

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” 1 Corinthians 15:55-58.

God is good. All the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Polar Express? Believe? Yes, just like that.

We live in a fallen world.
But we’re not left orphans on this earth. But there are times when we feel like we are.

Jesus said, “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you” John 14:18.

Perhaps, there was a young day, when the soil of the heart was soft and receiving, and the journey was abundant with blessing and joy, but

what happens through the the course of time when the clay soil overtakes the soft top ground, the cold scorches the life from the leaves, the wind of trouble choke joy all around.

Because of circumstances, temptations of doubt and fear blow in like a harsh blizzard. Hearts, grown dark and cold, think of Jesus, the Light of the world, that He’s some distance away, somewhere.

We think a-miss. We trust our feelings and heart. Then we separate from the Word, and begin to trust elsewhere.

And we look around, and the name of God’s Son, Jesus,  is taken from every place.  It’s not in the schools, in the towns, or the books children are allowed to read. It’s used as a curse, even on TV.

“Who’s Jesus? Why should I care what He says?”

The winter is long, hard, and cold, and we ask, “What’s happened to this place?”

Quite honestly, I have failed God often through unbelief, and lack of faith. And, there are people in my life who have witnessed failure at times in walking the faith I claim to have.

But there is not one day, that, even though I didn’t have a hold on God, He had a hold on me.

Yes, I believe!

There was a day, that I have written about before, when I thought I was going to die. But I didn’t. I was sick, outwardly afraid, and weak. I’m reminded of it often, but, again today because of a verse I read this morning:

“After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this” Revelation 1:4.

My eyes were closed, and I saw a door open. Out of all the things I could have possibly see, I saw the two scarred, but healed, hands of Jesus presented palms up before me. And the impression of the words from a favorite child’s book, “Not all know Me as their King.”

“Oh, I’ve heard this before,” you might be saying to yourself. Yes, perhaps, but today, I’m reminded of a question I was asked from Sunday’s message from church,

“What is living, to you?”

Quite honestly, through all that God has allowed for me to be part of, great treasure and riches in family and friends, great gifts, and joys, as well as deep, and excruciating loss and sadness, I would like to answer the pastor,

“to live is Christ.”

Yes, as in the Book of Philippians,  “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” Philippians 1:21. 

I feel the light enter my heart at the very proclamation.

He knows every little thing about us. Even before we were born, the Bible says God knew:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;” Jeremiah 1:5.

Do I believe God? Yes, the choice is mine.  I choose right now, with each minute of time, to believe God’s Word to illuminate and vitalize my mind.

God knows my name. He knows yours too. He has a plan for each of us. He is Almighty God, and  He is good.

The Bible proclaims that God sees us now. He knew what went on yesterday, and He knows our tomorrow as well:

“You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely” Psalm 139:2-4.

The number of our days is already written in a book: “My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!” Psalm 139:15-17.

Am I living to live long? Is the purpose of my life my family? my job? serving in the church?

What is all this living for anyway? Who am I believing to show me the way?

Do I believe God?

I guess the main issue, when it all comes down to it, is, God is God. Whether we believe Him or not.

I don’t need to worry what this one thinks or that, for that matter, but I must be concerned about God’s heart and thoughts. Do I believe?

He’s like the Polar Express coming at some point in our lives,  and the door opens, and He calls, “All Aboard.”

He gives every single human being a call at some time or another.  I believe every house is visited.

He’s big enough when we don’t believe.
Yes, He is. He let’s us be.

But today, I will proclaim Him, and best I can, receive His great love, which is beyond my understanding. And I pray to the God of the Universe, that He help those who believe to be like little samples of His grace.

Hey, the Express is here,

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me” Revelation 3:20.

Let’s choose Jesus, the Christ today. The journey northward to heaven will be directed by the Conductor. He’s got the plan all written down.

 “To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne” Revelation 3:21.

Amen. God help our unbelief. We’re taking the big step to forever, with God at the helm.

 

 

 

Answers From a Pearl Story

The phone’s misplaced.  A mini-computer loaded with personal dates, numbers, and important information is missing.

This sudden irritation brings about . . . a frantic search.

The moment of realization that something of value is missing brings about a halt of less important activity and heightens a new direction to find the lost item.

Change occurs.

After crisis,  a cancer diagnosis, scheduled chemo treatments, scheduled  surgery, or crashing disappointment, hurt and pain, there is realization of a loss—peace and security have disappeared. Crisis brings about search for answers.

Questions flood the intellect and emotions are restless.

I remember sitting in the infusion chair receiving my first chemo treatment. God sent a friend who gave me a story about a pearl merchant searching for precious pearls.

When this pearl merchant finally found a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought the precious pearl.

He didn’t hesitate to pay full price. He sacrificed all for its possession.

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 
 When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it” Matthew 13:45-46.
We quickly think, “This is a Bible story.” The merchant must be people searching for God. Jesus is the Pearl of great worth.
And when we, merchants searching for God find Jesus, the most worthy pearl, we give God our heart to receive His amazing grace. We lay down our lives to follow Him.
But wait.
The picture can be drawn completely different. In a time of crisis, when searching grows deeper, there’s discovery of an entirely new picture to this parable.
What if Jesus is the merchant looking for fine pearls?
We don’t feel fine.
An irritated grain of sand in an oyster is the beginning of the making of a pearl.
The oyster surrounds the irritant with a covering. Over a process of time the crystalline covering hardens and creates a pearl.
Jesus is the merchant. He searches to and fro.
When He finds us seeking Him with an open heart,  He reveals Himself.
We awaken to His sacrifice.
He gave up His life.
In our pain and suffering, we become fully aware,
He suffered for us.
Broken, hurting people irritated by grains of sand, sin, and pain, receive a covering of His grace. Jesus re-creates us into a pearl.
Jesus makes beauty from irritants and sins. He covers us in His righteousness, as we search for Him.
 “. . . to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair”
Isaiah 61:2,3.
Viewed as a pearl of great price, yes, of course, our Jesus.
But Jesus’ view of us, precious and covered in His love and delight,
His covering brings, beauty out of pain, peace and rest.

Long and overdue, Honor for you, Mom

Mom, this is a letter of honor for you. Yes, long overdue. Oh, there were small moments of honor, but over-all, as a child and even as a young woman, I struggled to be honoring.

If I could have spent more time thinking on the good things and good reports. But my brain was prone to think on the lack, the imperfections, the cracks and nicks. Why did it take me so many years to understand that all this is part of my battle with sin.

I suppose the most relieving part, is, this is everyone’s battle, day in and day out. There is no escaping it, in our own strength. There’s only so far you can go with “the power of positive thinking.”

If I could have actually put in practice, “Do to mother, what you would have her do to you.” I might have, in the process, learned a thing or two about honoring you.

I was not your easy, compliant child. No, I was hard-headed, stubborn, temperamental, and angry. So much so, that being my last name was Born, you would often joke that my middle name was Stub. Toni Stub-Born.

Did I ever say “I’m sorry,” for all my Stub-Born-ness?  Well, “I’m sorry mom.”
I have a few “snapshot” memories. I was six or so, and I needed my tonsils out.

I remember crying and carrying on with loud cries and tears because I DID NOT want to go in some room that seemed to be a community room with lots of kids and parents. No!

I remember being put in a private-type room. And then after surgery, I was surrounded by stuffed animals, a new tooth brush, and tons of attention. Did I think I was a princess?

Yes, I believed I was a princess.

Another snapshot memory is the huge scene I made about “hating” my brand-new, (very fine, I might add), genuine leather sandals you bought for me and presented to me the day and moments before leaving for the Barnum and Bailey Circus, the Greatest Show on Earth.

I made a scene, almost to the point of missing the circus. But I wore the shoes, somehow, (I’m sure with great aggravation and struggle on your part), and forgot all about them after being struck with awe and wonder of the Three Rings, the lights and sparkle, the stilts, the elephants, the horses.

Did I realize that not every child had the opportunity to see the Barnum and Bailey Circus? Did I ever say I’m sorry for carrying on?

I’m sorry mom. And, thanks for taking me to the circus. I still remember it today, along with the leather sandals. I remember really liking them as time went on.

I didn’t have a thankful heart. I didn’t naturally think on the good and wonderful things you did for me. Instead, I was critical and had blaming thoughts.

Mom, I’m truly sorry for all this. Why’d it take 57 years for me to say this? You spent time with me to teach me to sew. And you were the one to introduce me to Calligraphy pens. You spent time with me giving me instruction in how to use them well.

To think Mom, it was you who put the seed in me for Calligraphy. I included a handful of the beautiful script that continually flows from my kids.

Thank you.

What about the music lessons? The painful moments listening to me sing. Then the huge investment in voice lessons. All for me. Mom, thank you for investing in me. Singing, playing instruments, teaching others the joy of playing. This is so much of my life today. All because you and dad invested in me.

Thank you. Thank you.

And the dance lessons at the Glenda Falk Studio. It was like a second home. You and dad flipped the bill. Endless hours dancing giving me the heart to dream for a future of musical comedy.

Thank you Mom.

And remember, after your rare trip to NYC, when you brought home the album for “A Chorus Line.” Forget about it, I had a dream to go to NYC and audition for that show. And I did!

I wasn’t cast, but it’s crazy to actually think of all that now.

You were an example of taking healthy herbs and living in moderation. But there was not a moderate bone in my body. I was a powerhouse of energy and  hard-headedness, smart, opinionated, and, . . . how you must have cringed at all my hidden insecurities.

I will write now, something I’ve never spoken aloud, but I remember at age 6 or 7, when I drank from my first Coke-a-cola, in the small glass bottle. Like a magnet, the sugar had a grip on me.

What’s all that about? It was an impulsive-compulsiveness growing inside of me, (probably from the day I was born, only to learn later, we’re all born with a bent to sin). Well, you watched it. The craziness of an eating disorder throughout my high school years, and sad to say, it wasn’t until I was 20  before I could finally admit I had a serious problem.

I didn’t know how to eat. I would eat anything and think, “I ate too much,” only to then binge and eat the entire box! Or, I would look in the mirror and think, “I’m so fat.” An insanity was growing inside my mind.
But underneath all that eating and binging, exercising and dance class madness, were huge insecurities, negative thoughts, and an internal angry mess.

I was searching spiritually in High-School, and God was watching me.

I remember looking into the huge, vast, Arizona sky, (because there weren’t huge trees to block the view, just a Saguaro Cactus or so), and “talking to God.”

He heard me.

He sent my dance teacher, my Key Club friends, kids from cheer and FCA to be a witness to me. I made some efforts of change trying to get religion. Doing this thing and that, but it was all effort without . . .

. . . my whole heart. I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus, I was inwardly a mess, still the pilot of my ship.

But no-one could tell, it was all hidden inside.

I auditioned for the American Academy Arts. I got accepted and off I went to the big CA! I did fine for a few years, setting goals and moving forward. Musicals, Summer Stock, in my own energy and strength, and outward courage, after my Exam Plays at the California school, I asked to transfer, if accepted to the  American Academy of Dramatic Arts, NY School.

I was able to say, “American Academy of Dramatic Arts NYC, Here I come.”

An Arizona girl in the big NYC. The dream to dance and study voice and act- Yes, I was living a dream!

But mom, as time went on,I couldn’t overcome my eating disorder. It got so much worse.

No one could really tell from the outside. This was a hidden struggle.

 

The insecurities mounted. The anger. The fear. I couldn’t fly home. I had to get it right, right there.

I was reading “Out on a Limb,” by Shirley MacClaine. I sought New Age wisdom, only to be left short of any victory to overcome my compulsive, self-destructive behavior.

My life had become unmanageable.

I needed a Savior. And God found me and He rescued me, in the big NYC. You see, an alcoholic can do a twelve step program and stop drinking, but with eating disorders, you’ve got to learn to eat.

God helped me, to literally, eat. First, through 12 steps, and then continually to learn Who it was that I “made the decision to turn my will and my life over to His care.”

The Bible became my main read!

I was His girl, and He was always with me. He helped me conquer and heal completely my angers, day by day, and my insecurities. I often would think, because this was in that era, of Karen Carpenter, who didn’t get the help in time. That reminded me, this is important.

I gave my life to Jesus, He helped me to finally stand on my own two feet.
Anger was my real issue, and moment by moment, with my mind in His word, my heart seeking His way, and the Spirit leading, He helped me overcome addiction.

He’s still helping me.

So, Mom, I suppose in honoring you today, I write what seems to be a book. A thousand words, plus, but it’s time mom.

And I wanted you to know all this.

And you know, this NYC girl was never going to get married or have kids, (before this change and new relationship with the Lord and allowing Him to pilot my ship).

God had plans unlike mine. He had me meet Mike, and showed me, “This is the one.”

We married and  had a few children, . . . or eleven.

I know, you thought your girl had lost her mind. Yes, quite frankly. But they’re all your grand-kids!

As a mom, I try to do my best, and mom, you did your best too. So I want to say today, I’m sorry for all the grief I caused your heart. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart for your love and your endless support.

I could write so much more, but bottom line, it’s long over-due, mom. “Thank you.”

I hope you are blessed as you watch our kids grow. And I hope your heart swells a bit  knowing you started the Calligraphy trend, many years ago, when you took the time to teach me how to use a Calligraphy pen.

I’m thankful, that even though I moved away from AZ at 18, social media helps us share pictures and moments, and we don’t have to feel so far away.

I love you mom. I honor you, hopefully better everyday.

Your far-away, and (thankfully) a bit less hard-headed and stubborn girl,

Toni

 

 

For ‘Now and Again, Letter #3, She was running

Dear Girls,

This is letter #3 about your mom. I’m sure your heart breaks in many ways at times when you think of her.

The huge disabilities. With absolutely no ability to serve her girls cake on your birthdays. Unable to pick up a pencil to show you how to do the math problem. Or clap when you swam your best in the pool.

The tears that must have flowed from her eyes when she badly wanted to give you hugs.

But, I want your thoughts to be wonderful of your mom, not filled will sadness. So, I share this letter with you.

You may wonder, “How  did it come about that Ms. Toni would come once in a while and bring songs to your house.”

Your mom welcomed the songs and the music. They were a joy to her heart.

Her respirator alarm would go off while she was singing, but she sang anyway with all her breath.

And with the respirator, it was limited.But she sang with all her heart. God has a promise about that:

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.”Jer. 29:13.

God knew we needed each other, at this time of our lives. How I loved your mom.

I think of her often, her attitude, her faith.

The elders from the church came to anoint her with oil and pray the prayer of healing over her in the name of Jesus. That’s what we were all waiting for.

We all know the stories. We’ve heard them, they were taught to us, when Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk!”(Acts 3:6). And we know that he took the man by the right hand and helped him up and the man’s feet and ankles became strong.

Your mom had faith to believe she would walk again, day in and day out.

We picture all this in our minds, that “He jumped to his feet and began to walk.”(Acts. 3:8).  And we can see them as well, “walking and leaping and praising God” (Acts. 3:8), into the temple.

Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God,” (Rom. 10:17).

Your mom had believing faith.

She told me, when forced to go to the hospital because the Home Heath Care had expired,  “I’m going to walk out of this hospital.”

Tears did flow from her eyes. I know. I had to wipe those precious tears and cry with her a time or two.

Incredibly, with her very next breath, she would say in that sweet, whispery voice, “God is working. He’s going to do something amazing real soon!”

Well, guess what? God did answer that prayer the elders prayed. Your mom was healed of everything. Everything spiritually and emotionally.

So let me tell you the story, so you can read it now and again, the day your mama was running.

Well, since God had set it all up, that your mom and I would meet two times a week while she lay motionless on a bed for weeks.

We were living the Word. It was really precious: Yep, we would Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him; and talk of all His wondrous works, Psalm 105:2, and we would Seek the LORD and His strength; and Seek His face evermore.”,Ps. 105:4.

And we read the Song of Solomon together. So, going on a journey of the Song of all songs we began. Let me tell you, God was working, and He was doing something amazing everyday.
So, you see, I brought to the hospital along with my ‘Baby guitar’ my Jon Courson’s Application Commentary, Old Testament, Volume 2.

We discovered the King’s love for His maiden, (or Jesus’ love for you and me and for all the “whosoevers spoken of in John 3:16), and we felt like two schoolgirls together with giant ‘crushes’ on…Jesus.

Your mom and I were so enraptured like never before by the Love of our Bridegroom Jesus, how even though we were messed up and ‘dark’ with sin, (Song of Solomon 1:6), and we felt He shouldn’t look at us, the King said,
“I have compared you, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh’s chariots.” Song of Sol. 1:9.

Our King, our Love compares us to  His prize possessions, (not a mule or donkey), and He says,
“Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, Your neck with chains of gold. We will make you ornaments, [braids] of gold…”(Song of Sol. 1:9-11).

The commentary told us that the King’s maidens wore headdresses with jewels and the “We will make you ornaments . . .” reminds us of the Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Jon Courson then explained this verse, “We will make you ornaments, or braids of gold “, like this: “When we wonder what the Lord is doing during times of trial  and testing, He is braiding us – His gold- through hard times of pounding and beating and shaping.” “What right does He have to pound on me and to beautify me in that way?” you ask.””

He said, “Read on.” So, read on we did. The song: “We will make you ornaments [braids] of gold with studs of silver.”(Song. of Sol. 1:9). Silver means redemption.  Then the song continues, “While the king is at his table, my spikenard sends forth its fragrance. A bundle of myrrh is my beloved to me, That lies all night between my breasts. . .

And we remember,’myrrh’. It was the spice that was brought to Jesus when He was a baby. It’s a burial spice. And we know the Table, the Table of communion that reminds us of His love that was poured out. Jesus died.

“A bundle of myrrh is my beloved to me,” the song goes. Yes, we hold our Jesus close to our hearts. He loves us ultimately.

Your mama and I experienced a bit of heaven on that morning together. So much love was poured out in our hearts that morning. Your mom couldn’t hold anything in her arms, but we both held Jesus.

Let Him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

Jon Courson did a great job reminding us that “you cannot kiss two people on the lips at one time.”And we thought, “Hmmm, very true.”

 “Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth for Your love is better than wine.”  And your mom and I learned that the word ‘wine’ in the Bible speaks of joy. So here in just the first two verses in the song this maiden is saying, “Lord, I am completely, absolutely, 100% Yours, and Your love is more to me than anything this world has to offer.”

I bet you are asking yourself, “Didn’t she mention ‘running’ in this letter? I am not seeing any ‘running!” You are right, but I had to get you ready for it.

Song of Solomon 1:4, “Draw me, and we will run after thee…”

Listen girls, spiritually and emotionally, on that day, together, I believe the Lord healed both of us emotionally.

Emotionally, Your mom wasn’t just walking and leaping, she was running.” We were both running after Jesus together.

God had drawn us both and we were running after Him. But I have to say, your mom was “smoking me” in that run to her Prince of Peace.

I know this is long, but you’ve got this for ‘now and again’ when you need to read about your amazing mom and what the Lord did for her mad me.

I write for you girls with great amounts of love. I pray that you may you be blessed, for now and again with these reminders.

Love,
Toni Rypkema

For Now and Again #2 Letters for Jenny’s girls…

Introduction: These letters are for Jenny’s girls. Who’s Jenny. (Read Remembering Jenny Pt.1.

Jenny was a swim mom who faced the crisis of becoming paralyzed, unable to move her arms, her legs, to breathe on her own. The first year was of facing the crisis, and all that entails for a family of 5,  learning to live in her new condition, remodeling the home, purchasing a wheel-chair accessible vehicle, and coming home to 24/7 home health care.

Growing in faith, in hope and love as she faced day in and day out for almost 6  years in this condition.

 

 

Dear girls, I share this letter with you, about a hero of mine, yes, happens to  your mom.

When I have a hard day and I feel the impulse to quit or be depressed, I think of your mom. Each morning she chose willingly. Presenting her body as a living sacrifice to God, (Romans 12:1). 

Unable to move a muscle, yet totally willing and trusting in God’s healing hand, over a very long period of time. We’re not talking weeks, or long months, we’re talking years.

You see, what made your mom so special was how she was thinking.

She must have wrestled with God, (ironic, someone who couldn’t move a muscle, but was all “life” in mind and heart).

Wrestling with God, she appeared to be one who prayed as Jacob: “I won’t let go until You bless me,”(Gen. 32:24).

Your mom told me the first time I came to the house to visit, after 5 years of being paralyzed: “I consider it a privilege that God would choose me to go through this, and put me in this chair.” (She had one special wheelchair.)

I almost think I should write the word Selah, meaning pause and think about this after this statement.  She used the word privilege when talking about being paralyzed from the neck down.  Needing assistance of a respirator to breathe. Privilege that she was chosen to suffer so much loss.

I am so sorry for all the loss you girls have had to experience as well. The hugs you will receive in heaven. They will never end.

Your mom also told me, “I always loved God, even from a young age, but since I’ve been ‘in the chair’  God is so close to me. The closeness is indescribable.” And there is huge evidence of this.

I would not be writing word after word if this were not so.

I truly believe that when I hear encouragement to have an intimate relationship with Jesus, I think of your mom and her relationship with Him.

The Bible tells us that He will keep you in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him (Is. 26:3).

Your mom’s mind was on god and His will and ways. She had a deep peace that passed all understanding, (Phil4).

These choices are noteworthy.

And when talking about the struggles in her marriage, (as, every married person has struggles in marriage), she never complained one bit.

Not one ounce, nada, nothing.

She simply asked me, “Have you ever read the book called  The Power of a Praying Wife?  Your mom was not able to run fast in body, but she quick to run to God in prayer.

And we had many opportunities to pray those wonderful prayers right from that book, because of your mom’s great disability, it seemed as if your mom had these prayers memorized. 

God was using your mom to help me in so many ways.

And when things weren’t really going her way, while waiting in a hospital bed for week upon week, unable to find health care to get back home,

“Can we pray that when Joe comes, that he will see that I am concerned about him and all that is going on in his life with the girls?” 

Now girls, I am sure that you’ve heard, that when mamas not happy, ain’t nobody’s happy. Not with your mama, instead of being absorbed in her own grief of seeming unanswered prayer, she prayed that she would be focused and concerned with your dad and you.

Girls, this is what a most beautiful woman looks like.

God had done a work in her. I think that is where the word glorious fits in.

The Bible does tell us that “We are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” (Eph. 2:10).

Your mom couldn’t walk, but follow Jesus, she did.

And in that hospital room, Rm. 609, in which she found herself for weeks on end, she asked me if I would call the elders from her church to come to anoint her with oil and pray the prayer of healing over her. She continually said, “God told me that I was going to walk again.” 

The elders of the church did come. They prayed, and still, your mom, silently hoped and waited. She was an example of acceptance with joy. That’s why I write these letters, “for now and again.”

Your mom hoped in God, she believed what He said. Period.

She waited, with tears that she couldn’t wipe from her own face, she believed:

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”Jer. 29:11-13.

S.H. Spurgeon wrote a little poem, and your mom’s story makes me think of it: “Put thou thy trust in God; In duty’s path go on; Fix on Himself thy steadfast eye, So shall thy work be done.”

“Though years on years roll on, His mercy shall endure; Though clouds and darkness hide His path, His promised grace is sure.”

On the very last visit I had with your mom, (which I had no idea it would be,) she told me, “Toni, I have some homework for you. I want you to learn a  song.” So I asked, “What song is that?” She answered, in that whisper voice she had, “It is well with my soul.”

“OK Jenny, I’ve got that one, for next time.”

I never got a chance to sing it with her, but at least now I know the song she left singing:

“When peace like a river, Attendeth my way, When sorrows, Like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, “It is well, It is well, with my soul.” It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my  soul.”

“My sin, O the bliss Of this glorious tho’t. My sin not in part But the whole Is nailed to the cross And I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, O my soul!” 

And, Lord, haste the day When my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back like a scroll! The trumpet shall sound and the Lord shall descend, “Even so, it is well With my soul.  It is well, with my soul, it is well,

it is well with my soul.”

Girls, I hurt for you in that you miss your mom so much. I know these letters may bring tears, but I pray they fill your heart with love and comfort, For now and again.

With love,

Toni Rypkema

Remembering Jenny Part 1

Reasons
You will write the book, Jenny encouraged me.
I told Jenny  I wanted to write a devotional called God’s Hand. Sometimes I would read to her my WordPress posts. I would write what the Lord showed me that day in His word.

Anyway, I write now a series of articles about Jenny. God knew I needed a her friendship. I’m changed when I remember the time we had together. I believe everyone needs to meet Jenny. So I write.

Jenny became completely paralyzed, a tetraplegic, within only a 24 hour period, at 34 years of age. She lost the movement of every part of her body, even her ability to breathe on her own.

She told me, from the very first day when she didn’t even know what was happening to her, she felt God had told her, You’ll be able to walk again.
Jenny believed God.

She couldn’t hold on to anything. But Jenny held on to God and His promises. Her faith remained strong, even after more than 5 years of loss upon loss.

Yes, even after more than 5 years. How do I know? Because, God allowed us to be friends her last year on this earth, and I witnessed faith in champion proportions. After all that time of physical loss and emotional strain and difficulty, Jenny would have the excuse to be bitter, discouraged, impatient, and angry, but she was none of those things.

She was hopeful, patient, gentle, caring, and faithful.

Do you know what she told me the first time I visited her at her house, while she sat in her chair. She said, The very first day I was paralyzed, I asked God to help me get out of bed every day.

She said, He helps me everyday. This woman couldn’t move anything, yet she got out of bed, so to speak, everyday.

God knew that I needed a friend who kept her faith and believed God, no matter what. Day after day, trial after trial, this is what Jenny so victoriously did.  We needed each other.

Jenny was my cure to stop complaining about my nothing in comparison problems. When I was tempted to look at mountains of situations, instead of looking to God, I would remember Jenny.

Beginnings
There were days when, just thinking of her and the extreme challenges she had to face every minute of the day, got me out of bed.

I had suffered great loss. My heart physically felt it was bleeding. Did we even know that the heart can feel like it’s bleeding.

I needed a hero, a champion. Jenny was all that, but don’t think for a minute that Jenny’s the hero I’m writing about. Right from the start, the hero is God.

I started praying for Jenny years before when on the very same week, on a February of 2008, I had a diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis. But Jenny became paralyzed. Within a 24 hour period—quadriplegic.

Jenny also lost the use of her diaphragm, thus leaving her in need of a respirator. Breath by breath there was struggle to survive.
And, the three girls. Jenny couldn’t hug anymore. Twins in their teens and the youngest only 6.

I had nothing to complain about. What is Rheumatoid Arthritis, swelling and pain when moving, to paralysis of every limb and chest.

Debilitating changes
It all happened so quickly. February, 2008 brought change for the both of us, but for Jenny, she couldn’t move anything.
Was sudden paralysis of the spine due to a virus? Did the medical team ever really know? There were so many questions for Jenny, her husband, and her three girls. Questions that couldn’t be answered.

I thought about Jenny every day even though I didn’t know her well when all the changes happened.
I would reach for a cup out of the cupboard, after getting up and walking out of bed. Tempted to complain of difficulties of life and my RA pain, which seemed to come so naturally, but then I would stop.

Almost as if I was watching myself from the outside, I would fill the cup with water and give myself a drink, then I would think, . . .  Remember Jenny.
A young mom from the Y, with her girls on the same swim team as mine, and all of a sudden, word goes out, “Jenny’s paralyzed.”

I was cured.
Perspective is everything. I had no problems at all. Zero. None.

I can’t even imagine being 34 years old and not being able to move anything. Prayers went up to God for Jenny everywhere for her girls, her husband, and family.

Day after day.

Month after month.

Year after year.

I am not sure how long she was hospitalized, 8 months and more. And then training and preparation for life as a quadriplegic. A special chair was needed as well as 24/7 home health care. The house had to be renovated for the chair to go up stairs. A new van was purchased. The entire dynamics of the household was forever changed.

Jenny couldn’t hug her girls anymore.

The girls would always smile when I gave them a little wave as they walked past me on the bleachers, to swim practice. What a great thing to have a pool to kick off all the stress and hardship of life for an hour.

I remember watching her blow into a long straw-type tube to move her special wheel chair into the Y. We would have chats now and again.

I asked her, “Jenny, what’s the hardest part of all this?” Putting my hand on her hand. With great effort to catch breath, she answered me,
“People put their hands on my hand. They think they’ve touched me. I can’t feel my hands.”

I gently pulled my hand away. I remember saying, “I’m sorry Jenny.”
She couldn’t do anything. Not even breathe on her own. This is more loss than I can comprehend. But Jenny had faith that God was going to heal her. She was waiting on Him with joy and hope.

Time went on. I had a cancer diagnosis. A cancer fight with the struggles of chemo, surgery, hormone block treatments, the ups the downs, the all-arounds. And I would “remember Jenny.”

November of 2012, and I was driving my kids to school.
This was first year of school for my elementary and middle school aged children. I was a home-educator for 21 years, however the stress involved and the weakness I was dealing with gave way to public education for my kids.

We were in the car and the radio announcer posed a question,
“Is there someone very important in your life, and they might not even know it? Let this Thanksgiving be the time to let them know.”

“Jenny” was my thought.

So I found Jenny’s phone number and I called. I remembered Jenny every day, and I began visiting her home periodically.

This was four and-a-half years after the paralysis began.

A friendship developed
The first time I visited Jenny was a bit uncomfortable as I waited at the door at 10:30 in the morning for what seemed like a long time. I stood at the door, but then one of the home-health nurses let me in.

They were blow-drying her hair. I can’t imagine the amount of work every day to tend to all the needs of a young woman who can’t move or breathe on her own.
Jenny seemed so happy to have a visitor. And I was happy to be finally visiting. I came with my guitar. She really didn’t know me at all except for a few conversations at the Y and the call for Thanksgiving.

I felt I needed to thank her for many things.
This woman got me out of bed. This woman gave me courage and perspective. This woman taught me to be thankful.

Quite honestly I wonder how many lives this woman actually saved? I know God used her to save me from my pitiful thinking. From thinking thoughts that would were faith-less and fret-full.

Jenny had a gentle spirit and joyful nature, even after almost five years of circumstantial loss. She couldn’t pull her bangs down to fix them up. She couldn’t take a sip from a cup.

She couldn’t do anything!

I am sure in her quiet moments there was sadness and loneliness, but her faith lifted her. She believed God was going to heal her. She believed this with every ounce of her being.
This is the woman that should be on the cover of magazines of what a “beautiful woman” is.

I brought my guitar for a time of worship and prayer. We sang. Jenny cried. Her respirator buzzer kept going off because of the extra air needed. And we prayed.
When Jenny spoke out of the abundance of her heart, you would think there would be bitterness, frustration, anger, and complaint. But I will tell you right here and now, out of the abundance of this woman’s heart, who had lost so much, was one thing, grace poured out.

Not complaint, but gracious words. She shared, “He’s going to heal me. He told me at the beginning, when this first happened. He said to my spirit, “You’re going to walk again.”
Jenny believed God. From day one to year five, completely paralyzed.
“The Lord has let my legs still have muscle tone. They aren’t supposed to have that. “I’m going to walk again,” she told me with complete faith.
I asked Jenny of her favorite memory verse.

“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10
She would joke how she spoke with God, “Lord, I’m not going anywhere!”
You probably think I’m writing nice words about a friend. No, I’m writing about seeing a miracle of God
This woman was overflowing with faith, and hope, and I haven’t even mentioned the love.
God did this.

He was present. I was a witness of a life filled with the Spirit and submitted to Him.
Jenny’s home health care ran out after a little over five and a half years. She found herself back in the very same hospital that she spent so many months in almost 6 years prior.
This was her greatest fear. At 40 years of age.

But God gave us time together in the hospital reading the Bible together and singing songs. The girls will never know what God did for both of us in opening His word together, I thought, unless I write the words.

So, letters for the girls were written. But they aren’t just for the girls. (I will share them as “Letters to the girls,” in further posts.)

For “Now and again”, Letters to Jenny’s girls…

Introduction: These are letters to Jenny’s Girls. Who’s Jenny? Read “Remembering Jenny, Pt.1” Jenny was a young woman, 34 years of age who became completely paralyzed, a quadriplegic, only able to turn her neck within a 24 hour period by a mysterious virus, etc. She was a gift to me. A witness of the sufficient grace of God.

Letter #1

Writing –  because God has put it on my heart. Yes, ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, the Lord has me writing.

But for Sue, Al, and Jan, the Lord has me putting together for you, letters about your mom, Jenny, Oh girls,  I write because your mom was one of the most beautiful women ever.

You see, people are caught up with outside appearances, and magazines are filled with pictures of beautiful women, but your mom was exceptional in beauty that matters. Beauty of the heart. God doesn’t look at the outside of a person, but at the heart.

I believe your mom was one of God’s most victorious treasures.

Life is filled with a lot of blessings as well as a lot of troubles, but God holds each of us in His Hands, through it all, the good and the bad. He’s always with us.

God’s word tells us so.

And what’s crazy about it all, is, it seems that we don’t even experience God’s hand , and don’t grow in discovering that we are actually held in His hand,  until after we have been at our lowest, after times of great pain, after suffering, heartache and loss.

it’s then that we discover God’s hand holding us up. There’s no strength left on our  own.

You and your family have gone through extreme trial.   I’m  sorry you girls have had to suffer so.

Your mother was exceptional. She continually gave her disappointments to God and took courage with the challenges she faced. She made the choice . . .

to surrender to His will in everything.

She couldn’t move. Nothing. Nada.

You girls were her life. She asked God to “get her out of bed everyday,” for each of you. She never gave up on God. Even when it seemed as if He wasn’t hearing her prayers.

He was faithful to lift her faith as if she had wings as eagles, by His Spirit. You witnessed it, I know you did. And I did too. So I write so we can remember, “now and again.” Your mom had faith that reached the heavens, believing God.

Not being able to  do anything, because her body shut down on her, she did the best thing. Believing God, with excellence.

This woman was your mama.

 

It seems that after great pain, we are made ready to actually receive great joy. We witness this every time a newborn baby is born. And after sickness, we often times are made ready to become “healed” in so many areas in our lives, (even in some areas that we didn’t even know were sick).

Your mom suffered greatly, but drew closer and closer to God, and guess what? He drew closer and closer to her. So beautifully close, with sweet intimacy that your mom was ‘filled’ with His Spirit.

Exceedingly, abundantly.

Her very heart shined like Ps. 103: “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all of your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tendermercies; who satisfies your mouth with good things; so that your youth is renewed like the eagles…”

God became so close to your mom, that what I witnessed, was His sufficient grace,  literally “made her bed.”

Your mom knew that many  nurses would see her and feel sadfor her. But your mom had a prayerful heart and communed with God so much that she felt sad for them. For their heaviness of trial without faith.

She was thankful and in full expectation of God.

Your mom had the joy of the Lord. (In case you ever wondered what that looked like.) Don’t get me wrong, she told me about her struggles with doubt, but she knew where to run. Your mom couldn’t walk or stand, but she ran a marathon of faith as she trusted God, even without seeing results, and she continually hoped in Him.

Your mom’s cry was much like David’s in Ps. 62:1, “Truly my soul silently waits for God. From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.”

Yes, so much silence, so much waiting, and she couldn’t move and make things happen, but because God was her Rock, she was not ‘greatly moved.’ God met her and gave her His grace which is all sufficient, and she victoriously calmed and quieted herself much like David once again:

“My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvaiton; He is my defense; I shall not be moved.” Ps. 62:5,6.

So, I told your mom that I was writing a book called God’s Hand. That God had put on my heart to write and He confirmed it with His word: “write in a book for yourself the things I have shown you in My word, (Jer. 33:1). I have someone who encouraged the Bible journaling, and I have someone who encouraged the writing, but I told your mom, that she was the “feet” to move this to completion.

She would smile and say, “It will get written.”

Little did I know, that God would simply show me His treasure, your mom,  and He would have me write her story.

The last hymn I sang with your mother was,  “I Surrender All.”

Your mom had feet that couldn’t even wiggle, but she is the “feet” to my writing.

For almost 6 years, she was tried and tested in all things,  with many cuts allowed to be made in this diamond. And shine, shine, shine she did with faith, hope, and love.

Your dear mom has gone home to be with her Lord. She was hoping that He would heal her so she could be here with you, but it was His will that she go to be with Him instead.

Oh, but she lives on, in each of you, and many others too.  It was Nov. 9th, 2013. It was  February of 2008, her body would not move, but Jenny let God mover her, every step of the way.

Now she dances in His presence.

I wrote quite a bit of our times with the Lord, your mother and me, so I would like to share them with you,  in letters. For now and again, you can read one, to cry or take courage or just cuddle with.

Because in life, “it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish” that matters, and your mama, . . .she finished amazingly well.

Be blessed and filled with an abundance of comfort,

Toni Rypkema

In time of need: Hymn-Therapy

I had salvation, believing what Jesus did for me on the cross, but, at a time of sickness and dread, I opened a hymnal on the shelf.
“Be Still my Soul,” He spoke to me that day, “the Lord is on thy side.“(1)
His arm reach out in love and His hand took hold of mine. My Savior met me in the cold, dark hour and ministered life to me through a hymn.
“He is on my side.” My heart was revived.
The words ministered to me, the truth of His love and faithfulness, when all my mind kept rehearsing before, “Won’t He give me a break?”
I came to know the Lord with contemporary choruses of praise. Though God allowed great brokenness and loss within my life, He faithfully ministered greater light and life, and His presence in my time of need. I would never exchange a moment of it, not for anything.
This hymnal proved to be a treasure chest of hope, life, and promise. The Spirit moved me with increased faith as my mind thought on His  Almighty power.
Today, I write, in the face of a battle, with enemies of Overwhelmed and Fear, and Discouragement lurking. I find a Charles Wesley hymn written around the armor of God in Ephesians 6, published in 1749.
God’s therapy, or counseling session for me, is that my mind think on words like these:
Soldiers of Christ, arise,
And put your armor on,
Strong in the strength which God supplies
Through His eternal Son.
Strong in the Lord of hosts,
And in His mighty pow’r,
Who in the strength of Jesus trusts
Is more than conqueror.
“Strong in the strength which God supplies,” because He can clearly see, I am not strong, in and of myself, I am tired and weak. God counsels with direction that I must meet:
Stand then in His great might,
With all His strength endued,
And take, to arm you for the fight,
The panoply of God;
That, having all things done,
And all your conflicts passed,
Ye may o’ercome through Christ alone,
And stand entire at last.
I will admit, the word panoply was not in my vocabulary, so I looked it up. The dictionary spelled it out in this way:

pan·o·ply
noun
1. a complete or impressive collection of things.
2. a splendid display.
3. a complete set of arms or suit of armor.
“Stand then in His great might,” yes, I must take hold and clothe myself with all that’s true, and the collection of “armor” God has equipped us with.
We don’t “wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rules of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6, KJV, speaks solid and clear of who our real enemy is. We must fight and remember Who it is that is with us handing us all we need to win:
“Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (2)
The hymn inspires and exhorts. Actively reaching out a Hand to pick me up:
Leave no unguarded place,

No weakness of the soul,
Take every virtue, every grace,
And fortify the whole.
From strength to strength go on,
Wrestle and fight and pray,
Tread all the pow’rs of darkness down
And win the well-fought day.
Yes, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” (3) This is it! This is my therapy session with a hymn. This is direction, hope and how I will keep a sound mind.
I will speak this hymn and clothe myself with the armor of God that the faith God increases in me can pass any test. How about you? Has this hymn touched you?
Let us praise God before the “Red Sea is parted.” Let us praise God ever-more. To God be the glory, Strong in the strength which God supplies
Through His eternal Son.
Strong in the Lord of hosts,
And in His mighty pow’r,
Who in the strength of Jesus trusts
Is more than conqueror. 
(1) Katharina A. von Schlegel, 1752
(2) Ephesians 6:14-17, NIV.
(3) Ephesians 6:18.
 

New Year, New Directions, New Hopes, Old Foundations

If holiness is the music God hears and a broken heart the sacrifice He honors, let us turn aside our eyes each morning and be moved by the cross.

And each night in the coming year, let us give thanks and worship Him, Who faithfully and patiently watches and keeps, and never fails to zealously love us.

“Transform us Lord, these coming days, as we wholly desire to know You more, and more, and grow in Your grace to trust more fully in Your ways. This is my prayer me, Your Church, Your Bride—and for all who choose to draw near and abide.”
This is the closest thing to a New Year’s resolution.

I remember the first time the Lord put on my heart,

“You’re a worship leader.” It was many, many years ago when my second child was in a baby seat.
I thought I had an image of what a “worship leader” was to be, but God had plans way beyond my imagination.

Through the course of over 30 years, marriage, pregnancy, chronic laryngitis, children, teaching, serving, moving, sickness, and recovery, and the beauty of brokenness, God has shown me,

“Toni, to lead in worship is simple and true. Look to Me. Talk to Me. And Believe Me and My Word, through and through, no matter the rough terrain, the pain;

I wash all the stains.

Look to the cross, and lead others there—children, and hurting, and feeble, and doubting. Talk of Me and pray, I will strengthen and empower.

And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself, John 12:32. 

So, to begin a new year with old foundations laid, I set out to frame God’s Word, powerful and true:

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth, Psalm 46:10.


Jesus. Old words, prayerful songs, I pray I will remember and consider the whole year long.
It seems easy, yet not—to let sound out on these words so sweet. The reality is, . . . these thoughts are difficult to speak,  in truth and honesty.

The Lord God Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, He knows my heart, He sees. He knows and understands the wrestling.

As a child, I want to open up my voice. Will you join me? Not reluctantly, but the best we can today, faith-fully:

“Open my eyes, Lord. I want to see Jesus. To reach out and touch You, And say that I love You. 
Open my ears, Lord, and help me to listen. Open my eyes, Lord, I want to see Jesus.
To mean these words, with all my heart, soul, and mind, I need help from Him, but I believe. Help me grow to believe more, . . .

In His time.
In His time.
He makes all things beautiful,
In His time.
Lord, please show me everyday,
As You’re teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say
In Your time.
Lord, our lives to You we bring
May each song we have to sing
Be to You a lovely thing
In Your time.”
I never thought a worship leader could lead with a pen. But I hope and pray that I have put a song on your heart to sing to Him.
“Dear Lord, Open my, (our) ears, open my, (our) eyes, help me, (us) to trust that You will make all things beautiful, in Your time. In Jesus name, I, (we) pray, Amen.”

The Best Gift I Can Give to My Kids

The best gift I can give to my kids, is first and foremost, to remind them, they are His.

The Creator of all the beauty they see. The Father, the Son, The Holy Spirit will continually speak. And when their hearts believe, God is pleased.  Hearts soft and open, have eyes to receive.

Jesus is not only the giver of light and life, He is Light.

Jesus is not only the giver of life, He is Life.

Jesus is not only the giver of bread, He is Bread.

He is LORD. He is above the rest.

So, the best gift I can give my kids today, is to faithfully, and honorably, live and believe all this, but also, . . .

show them moment by moment, with all of my heart, faithful and honorable love for their dad. Yes, I believe the best gift today, that I can give our kids, is love and grace for the dad-of-all-dads.

I want to please God.

He says to me, “love.”

I fail miserably time and time again, but each new day, He says, “My mercies are new. S e e k Me.”
And He watches me fall. He watches me miss. And He forgives me new, as each day, His face I seek.
And He says to me, “Now . . .
do that for others, as they miss the mark too. Offer grace. Offer forgiveness. Be patient and kind. Remember Me, and abide.”

And kids, you watch me, day after day, so easily offer this as I go on my way. But it is hard stuff to do as I walk through our front door. It is hard to honor and offer grace to the very one, that I said to God “I Do, for all of my days.” And for this, daily, I seek His grace.

How I miss the mark and fall flat on the floor.
(Forgive me, Mike.)

Forgive me kids.

I want to do a better job at offering love and all of this.

So I seek the Lord and He fills and supplies. He is our Lord. He is the One we will both lift up our eyes.

So, I will start this all off with the word: Remember.

It is good to look at pictures of beginnings, that we might reminisce. And kids, I sure hope you spend time praying for us both, as we need your prayers that we might faithfully keep our oath.

That we continue to bring glory to our Lord and our King. And that we love each other, day after day, faithfully. Etched on the inside of my wedding ring, you find the name Mike. His, has the name, Toni. We do well thinking on and remembering these things.

I love you kids. I give you a gift. A promise that I will give it my best, day in and day out to faithfully and honorably love your dad.

“Gory to God in the Highest. And on earth, peace and good will to all men.” Amen.

"Trusting God is always the right thing to do." A happy birthday note to David.

“Trusting God is always the right thing to do.”
It might not always look like the “smartest” thing to do, but as each day dawns, if we seek the Lord with a yielded heart, doing the best we can, slippin’ and slidin’ along the way, He is our support.
His Hand is our hope and stay.
He offers grace, “unmerited favor,” and mercy, “not giving us what we deserve.” God is a faithful Father.
And God spoke from heaven in Luke 9:35, “This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him.”

There was a day I heard God say those words to me, so I spend time each day trying to do just that – to “hear Him”
 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14.
Perhaps I’ll spend my lifetime discovering what this verse is all about. But today I write because we celebrate the birthday of my 9th child, David.
Happy Birthday David! How can you actually be 17 years old today?
Born in the year 2000, I will never have to stop and do math to figure out your age. My 2000 baby.
David, you are such a blessing. Words could never express.
From the beginning, well, you did have a bit of a rough beginning, at least from my point of view – you were my biggest baby of the 11 at 8lbs 14 oz.
But for you, it was probably wonderful to be breathing well at birth because you had the chord wrapped around your neck during delivery. Thanks to the best midwife on the planet, Marylou Nalducci,
and our Lord Jesus, (who was watching out for you then and is watching out for you now,)
you recovered it all. The purple blue face for the first few days, all the prodding from the Neonatologist, the tests. And then later, coming home to a houseful of kids who couldn’t wait to hold you.
It is days like this when you can say with a heart skipping with joy, “It is always right to trust the Lord.”
And now to think, you will be approaching your Senior year in high school. And smart as can be. No damage done in that rough beginning, that’s for sure.
“Thank you Lord.”
David, 17 years later your mom and dad will still tell you, “It’s always right to trust the Lord.” We might not always say it with an outward “skip and a hop,” in our voice, but with a deep resound.
But God has shown himself faithful daily. To you, to me, to our entire family. That is why your mom and dad love the Lord so much David. Because He loves us first.
And He blessed us on June 3 with you! “Trusting God is always the right thing to do!”
But you have experienced and seen for yourself, in the 17 young years of your life, that “trusting God” in life is a bit like a marathon. It has it’s ups and downs and dizzy spells and muscle aches.
Sometimes “trusting God” just plain hurts. Especially if you feel you are on mile 17 of the run, or again on mile 26, with rubber knees and bleeding toes! ( I wouldn’t know from running specifically.)
But experientially, your mom and dad can say, David, It’s always right to trust the Lord. You see, He is the One who directs your steps through the rough terrain and the smooth.
He’s there at the beginning. He waits for us to believe. He hears us when we bleed. He helps us persevere. And in Him, He helps us succeed.
Seek His face as you wake. Hear His voice in His word. Talk to Him throughout your day.
Trust God. He is faithful. Always.
David, before you get out of bed, take a hold of your Father’s hand – your Father in heaven, and follow His lead. He will show you the way.
I love you, forever,
mom
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.“ Proverbs 3:5,6.
“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.“ Psalm 62:8.
“Now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require from you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and love Him, and to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the LORD’S commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good?” Deuteronomy 10:12-13.

A Salvation Story. Do I come out of the rain?

God holds the Umbrella that I come out of the rain.
Why the struggle? Why the delay?
God holds the Umbrella. He cares about me.
Did I forget? Or did I simply leave?
Do I find contentment in lies that bring strife? Am I choosing to destroy my very own life?
Can I make the choice to step out of the comforts of despair?
Or do I keep my head down on the puddles, believing lies of being victim. Staying, pitifully there.
He bids me with thunder and lightning to fear and to look. In the Light, through the flash,
I see the hand of His Son.
It’s reached out towards me.
Then I see His face.
His eyes, . . .
are grace.
He calls my name. I hear the words,”Come.” 
Directly in my heart, I feel Him look.
Burning.
Revelation comes, Truth is alive.
He waits.
Immediately, there’s strength that wasn’t there.  Hope to lay down the shame. To cast off the pain.
God is offering me to come out of the rain.
Again, He calls my name.
Do I receive Him and take hold of His hand?
Why is it so hard? Why would I choose to stay out in the cold? To reject the dance. To stay wet in distress?
In an instant I choose.
I lift my eyes to meet His.
In an instant my garments are made new. Gloriously cleansed. I take hold of His hands. With all of my being, I know at last, I have found Love. He loved me first.
He desires me.
The rain is still falling, but I don’t even care. Because Love has captured all of my being. Love has called me. He has lifted me up.
I turn to kiss His cheek. He smiles.
He is pleased.
Everything new, everything possible, we dance, and we dance under the grand Umbrella. The canopy of protection, with a symphony of grace.  As it rains,  Love and I look face to face.
With a long-lost song that returns in my heart, I will sing as I dance, and make day of the night.

"Though there be no fruit on the vine …"

Many years ago, I felt God impress upon my heart my life verse: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.  
I had no idea then, what God had for me in this verse. Even today, I yearn to grasp the depths of all it means. “What are You saying, Lord, at times like these?”
“What is Your will for me?” “What is Your will for me?” “What is Your will for me?“
And He responds, continually, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks …” I had no clue, back then, how very, very difficult these three things would prove to be.
“How can I rejoice in this?” “There’s no way I can pray!” “I refuse to give thanks in this!” Over and over, God allows me to see what’s inside of me. And, quite frankly, it ain’t pretty!
But Jesus. He loves me. He’s gentle. He’s patient. He’s kind and full of compassion. He hears my yelling and faithless thoughts. He sees my fret and knows my every thought.
How can God be so great and mighty as that? To still love me – even after my words and actions and … yes, being a brat!
There is no One like God on this earth.
But, wait.
He reached out from on high when I was in the depth of a pit. He pulled me out of great darkness and I could see, finally, the love in His eyes.
“Receive My love?” I felt Him ask of me.”
“I do, Lord. Come and live in my heart. Restore my soul. O God, don’t let go.”
Now, He abides in me. I’m simply a branch of His Vine. He is mine. He is mine. 
“No matter what you might go through, my child, I am here. And these words are your fortress and refuge. These words are your Rock that you might not slip or drown in sorrow or fear. I am the LORD, and this is my will you.”
“I see the conflicts press hard form the outside. I see the fear that entangles and grips at your very breath. I know the loss, the pain. I know death.”
“This is hard, this is dark, this is excruciating, I know. I am the LORD. I have gone before, I will carry you through. Keep your eyes on me, through this most difficult test, My Word is your life, yes, this is what you are to do: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks;” 
I will show you success and help you focus your mind, that you might be victorious one step at a time. Study my Word. Sing the Psalms in your heart. Gain wisdom and understanding, ask of Me and I will give.”
Do you believe … even in this? that I am Yours.  I care for you … now, rest.”
My life verse gives me instant direction. Will I scoff, or will I take the instruction? My response has already been written. I will sing it from my heart to my Chief Musician:

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.

 The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.

Habakkuk 3:17-19. In response to my life verse, no matter what happens – this I pray will be my response. Continually. And with my Love, I will abide for all eternity!

 
 
 
 

The world: "Consider strife." The Word: "Consider Christ!"

“Jesus loves me this I know…” we sing as children sure and fine, yet after time and trial and education,  do we choose to forget our true foundation?
We cry out, “Help Lord!” And then there seems to be no reply.
We hear words from press at our fingertips. We hear media’s clamor and the popular opinion.
But God – He waits, and watches. His love is patient and kind. His love is not like yours or mine.
“Consider … Jesus Christ.” (1) Says His word to hearts hurting.
What are we considering in the course of our day? What you eat, what you wear, what so – and –  so has to say.
“Consider …Jesus Christ.” Thus saith the Lord. This is His way.
He was appointed by God the Father from heaven above. Whether we believe it’s true, doesn’t affect His love. (2) He is the Creator, the builder of the house, (3) He’s the beginning and the End, (4)  He is silent when accused. (5) He is faithful and true.
“Consider …Jesus Christ.”
This is God’s response when we cry out to Him. When we cry out for deliverance, for rest, for quietness.
He’s given us choice. Do we listen, do we turn away from the noise? Let’s not wait for the ground to be shaking. Or when darkness is thick, we can’t see our own way. (6)
“Help Lord!”
He hears our cry. He doesn’t need to ask the question, ” Why? Or What? He’s been watching with His eye. (7) He knows if we caused our own pain. He knows if we’ve been wronged again. He knows the tears that fall from our face. He knows, and He covers us.
He laid down His life in our place.
“He is a very present help in time of trouble.”(8) He reveals, He delivers, He mediates, He heals.
His name is Jesus and died on a cross on the hill. So familiar, yet so unknown. So forgotten until the day we groan.
Consider Christ Jesus. He is unlike any other. He is mighty in action and in His word. He is the Son of God. He comes to bring peace, He also comes to bring a sword-
A surgical scalpel to cut away growth of critical spirits, and pride and the rest. He brings division simply in His name. To those who believe He pours out peace and compassion.
“…let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”(9) These were His words to the ones who sought damage. To the accusers who cared of rules above love. Who seek after themselves and the reputations they manage.
Consider Jesus: Hardly noticing when others do Him wrong. Never keeping a record of all the damages done. (10) There is none like Jesus, no not one. He is worthy of every love song.
Bowing in our hearts when we see Him as He is.  He reaches His hand down to take mine, to take yours,  and He says with His voice written in words on the page,  ” Don’t be afraid, only believe.”  (11) “I am yours, and you… you belong to Me.”
“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so …”
(1) Hebrews 3:1. “Wherefore, holy brethren, partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the Apostle and High Priest of our profession, Christ Jesus.”
(2) Romans 5:8. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

(3) Hebrews 3:3,4. “For this man was counted worthy of more glory than Moses, inasmuch as he who hath builded the house hath more honour than the house. For every house is builded by some man; but he that built all things is God. “
(4) Revelation 22:13. “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last.”
(5) Isaiah 53:7. “He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.”
(6) Revelation 19:11.  “I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war.”

(7)  Proverbs 15: . “The eyes of the Lord are on every place keeping watch on the evil and the good.” 
(8) Psalm 46:1. “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.’
(9) John 8:7.
(10) 1 Cor. 13:4-7,  4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
(11)Mark 5:36, “Don’t be afraid, only believe.” (Holeman Christian Standard Bible).