Tag: cancer

“Help us Keep Focused Lord!” (Be Thou My Vision)

I have trouble with focus. I struggle with many directions of thought. Do you?

God is a gracious help when it comes to focusing. He basically says,

“Stop. Think of Me!”

In Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

There’s so much going on. “Outside there are conflicts, inside there are fears,” much like in Paul’s day as he wrote of his time in Macedonia in 2 Corinthians 7:5.

“But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us,” Paul continues, and He comforts us today.

Where’s my focus? I need to remember to spend time with God.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! Psalm 37:7. 

God’s allowing trials in all our lives. He warned us in His Word we would have tribulation, but to rejoice because He has overcome, He is our victory, (John 16:33).

When words to our prayers feel weak, I speak the words of this favorite ancient 8th Century hymn:

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

When we speak to one another in hymns and psalms, we put on the spiritual armor of faith and truth, to gird ourselves for battle.

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, and I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

In Christ, “in Him,” we have salvation and security. He is our peace. In His presence is fullness of joy, the Bible tells us. And, ” . . . in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.”

The hymn reminds us of this. He is with us!

Be Thou my battle shield, sword for the fight;
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight;
Thou my soul’s shelter, Thou my high tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O power of my power.

Together, we must stay focused on the battle. The Word of God must be our sword of thought to overcome:

” . . . since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,

let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,

and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us

 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, 

who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,

despising the shame,

and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God” Hebrews 12: 1,2.

This is easy to read. Hard to do. But with God, all things are possible. His Word is a double-edged sword:

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still” Exodus 14:14.

To quiet the mind is a challenge. But to spend time with God is to be still.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.


Ancient Irish, 8th-century hymn

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

Let’s be equipped for battle, focused on the Lord, in His Word, speaking the hymns. When we get our focus on Him we remember we are His and He is ours.

We pray, “Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, . . .

still be my vision, O ruler of all.”

(If you have trouble resting, listen to this hymn on my Music Therapy Souncloud and go from fretful to restful and assured sleep.)

The Day I Was Diagnosed With Cancer

After my cancer diagnosis, I began to write. This is from August 17, 2010. I’m thankful to be alive and give praise to the Lord today.

His Word helped keep me . . . this day . . . thankful. And He brought the help I needed with each and every moment, through my anger, my doubts, my fears, my sickness . . . He did.

On the day I found out I was to face a cancer battle, this was the Word of the Lord to me.

I hope this will be an encouragement to anyone going through some difficult times:

Bible Journal Along the way

Date: August 17, 2010

Today I was diagnosed with an invasive lobular, 5×7 cm- estrogen positive cancer tumor of the breast.

I have breast cancer.

In the evening, I opened my Bible to one of my favorite verses so I could see it on the page:

Jeremiah 33:3, Call unto Me and I will answer, and show you great and mighty things, which you know not of.

So, I decided to go off my Bible schedule and read Jeremiah today.

While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the word of the LORD came to him a second time:

“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name:

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know” Jeremiah 33:1-3.

The Bible tells us that “the word of the LORD came to him a second time.” I’m encouraged. Jeremiah heard these words not once, but twice, from the Creator of the Universe, the Most High God, the LORD:

“Call to me and I will answer you. . .”

“I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

My ears are open. It seems in great affliction, the heart is ready to hear. I kept reading:

For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says about the houses in this city and the royal palaces of Judah that have been torn down to be used against the siege ramps and the sword in the fight with the Babylonians . . .

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security” Jeremiah 33:4-6.

This was the Word of God to Jeremiah concerning Judah and Israel, but on a day when you find out you have cancer and you open God’s Word . . .

it speaks of a tearing down against an enemy!

This is good news to my heart. My soul can breathe.

I can trust God. If He can do this for Judah and Israel, I can believe God to heal me.

I need faith for this battle. The Word of God will help increase my faith. 

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”

“Dear Lord, I call to You. Show me great and mighty things through this trial. Give me understanding to Your Word. Help me believe! In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

“Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the LORD is good; his love endures forever.” For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says the LORD. 12

I am a survivor. The Lord has done great things for me, and I praise Him each day for life today.

Please let me know if you are going through a great trial so I can be praying for you.

Thanks,

Toni

Bible Journal Along the way

Date: August 17, 2010

Today I was diagnosed with an invasive lobular, 5×7 cm- estrogen positive cancer tumor of the breast.

I have breast cancer.

In the evening, I opened my Bible to one of my favorite verses so I could see it on the page:

Jeremiah 33:3, Call unto Me and I will answer, and show you great and mighty things, which you know not of.

So, I decided to go off my Bible schedule and read Jeremiah today.

While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the word of the LORD came to him a second time:

“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name:

‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know’ Jeremiah 33:1-3.

The Bible tells us that “the word of the LORD came to him a second time.” I’m encouraged. Jeremiah heard these words not once, but twice, from the Creator of the Universe, the Most High God, the LORD:

“Call to me and I will answer you. . .”

“I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

My ears are open. It seems in great affliction, the heart is ready to hear. I kept reading:

For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says about the houses in this city and the royal palaces of Judah that have been torn down to be used against the siege ramps and the sword in the fight with the Babylonians . . .

“ ‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security'”Jeremiah 33:4-6.

This was the word to Jeremiah concerning Judah and Israel, but on a day when you find out you have cancer and you open God’s word that speaks of a tearing down against an enemy, 

This is good news to my heart. My soul found breath again.

I can trust God. If He can do this for Judah and Israel, I can believe God to heal me.

I need faith for this battle. The Word of God will help increase my faith. 

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”

“Dear Lord, I call to You. Show me great and mighty things through this trial. Give me understanding to Your Word. Help me believe! In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

“Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the LORD is good; his love endures forever.” For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,’ says the LORD. 12

Why Write?

I felt as if God woke me up and put on my heart, “Get up and write.” Not only last night, but after the cancer diagnosis.

“You’ve got cancer,” were the words from the Doctor eight years ago.

As many of you know, these words change your lives forever.

The urgency to write came. And, yes, even if the words were written primarily for me. God wanted me to write.

I didn’t know then that I would see eight years out, as I am today. During treatments, everything’s a blur.

I wrote to keep my vision as clear as possible of the Lord.

And, many of you know, I didn’t always have clear vision. Often, my view became distorted, warped, foggy. I needed help staying on course.

I’ll never forget a phone call with my sister Susie after a handful of treatments. I was more than under the weather. I felt thrown under the bus. (I will be blunt and honest,

I’m a believer in Jesus. He has washed my horrible sins away. He gave me His Holy Spirit to convict, convince, and reveal Christ . . .

I was hurting and completely without strength. I wanted to go home!  To heaven, home. Yes, exclamation point).

My sister Susie said the best words I needed to hear that day. They don’t seem like much, but they were the perfect reminder I needed to hear:

“Toni, people that keep faith do better in their battle.”

That was it. I had to keep faith.

Immediately, I had the will to live return. God does the changes in our heart that we can’t do ourselves.

That’s why I write. To remind myself Christ is the Rock. Cancer is not a podium to stand on, no, Jesus must be lifted up because He’s the giver of life after death. Jesus is the hope of heaven.

Jesus is our everything. We don’t realize it until someone gives you a death sentence.

The one truth in life, that is often pushed out of sight out of mind, is the fact that 100% of us will die. At some time or another, each of us will face death.

But I write because I don’t have to face death. This is the glory of it all. Our resurrected Lord, will resurrect us to be with Him in paradise. We only graduate to our home.

But we need each other. To spur us on for love and good works. My sister spurred me on to the best work I could ever do in my whole life: Keep believing God. Always.

When we don’t have strength to hold on, He’s got a hold on us.

Don’t condemn yourself for becoming weary and faithless. He is faithful. And, while it is today,

I will write, to the glory of God, I will.

“Where, O death, is your victory?

    Where, O death, is your sting?”[i]

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” 1 Corinthians 15:55-58.

God is good. All the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answers From a Pearl Story

The phone’s misplaced.  A mini-computer loaded with personal dates, numbers, and important information is missing.

This sudden irritation brings about . . . a frantic search.

The moment of realization that something of value is missing brings about a halt of less important activity and heightens a new direction to find the lost item.

Change occurs.

After crisis,  a cancer diagnosis, scheduled chemo treatments, scheduled  surgery, or crashing disappointment, hurt and pain, there is realization of a loss—peace and security have disappeared. Crisis brings about search for answers.

Questions flood the intellect and emotions are restless.

I remember sitting in the infusion chair receiving my first chemo treatment. God sent a friend who gave me a story about a pearl merchant searching for precious pearls.

When this pearl merchant finally found a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought the precious pearl.

He didn’t hesitate to pay full price. He sacrificed all for its possession.

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 
 When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it” Matthew 13:45-46.
We quickly think, “This is a Bible story.” The merchant must be people searching for God. Jesus is the Pearl of great worth.
And when we, merchants searching for God find Jesus, the most worthy pearl, we give God our heart to receive His amazing grace. We lay down our lives to follow Him.
But wait.
The picture can be drawn completely different. In a time of crisis, when searching grows deeper, there’s discovery of an entirely new picture to this parable.
What if Jesus is the merchant looking for fine pearls?
We don’t feel fine.
An irritated grain of sand in an oyster is the beginning of the making of a pearl.
The oyster surrounds the irritant with a covering. Over a process of time the crystalline covering hardens and creates a pearl.
Jesus is the merchant. He searches to and fro.
When He finds us seeking Him with an open heart,  He reveals Himself.
We awaken to His sacrifice.
He gave up His life.
In our pain and suffering, we become fully aware,
He suffered for us.
Broken, hurting people irritated by grains of sand, sin, and pain, receive a covering of His grace. Jesus re-creates us into a pearl.
Jesus makes beauty from irritants and sins. He covers us in His righteousness, as we search for Him.
 “. . . to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair”
Isaiah 61:2,3.
Viewed as a pearl of great price, yes, of course, our Jesus.
But Jesus’ view of us, precious and covered in His love and delight,
His covering brings, beauty out of pain, peace and rest.

Prayer and Encouragement: Be Still My Soul

“Be Still my soul  . . .” The  old hymn reminds. 

How do I “be still?”

This is the question as the clock continues to move time.

Fears flood in an instant.

Stresses press on our back.

Pain wears down the weary body. There are tears on the inside, like rain no one can see.

We’re in this marathon race. It’s not how we start, it’s how we finish.

We must finish. We must finish well. But “How?”

With unity. Not isolated and alone. That spells defeat and loneliness.

Reminding each other to remind ourselves:

Be Still my Soul. The Lord is on thy side . . .
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.”

We must remember God is King over everything.

“Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.
 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 
not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:22-25.

Our prayer to Jesus: “There is so much change. But You, O LORD remain.

We draw near to You, and You draw near when we do.

O God, help us, today in such darkness, take hold of Your light and believe and rest . . .
in Your faithfulness.

“Be still, my soul: Our God doth undertake
To guide the future, as You have the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

We pray in a hymn, dear Lord.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
Your voice Who ruled them while You dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart, And all is darkened in the vale of tears, 
Then shalt we  better know Your love, Your heart,
Who comes to soothe our sorrow and our fears.

Dear Lord, comfort the downcast with Your Spirit, we draw near.

“Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with You Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.”

Dear Father in heaven, we bow our heads together. The most important change that needs be, is inside of me—Increase my faith, that I might stand, and follow You, as You take hold of my hand.

“Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing,  You, O Lord on high; to
Acknowledge You in all our words and ways,
So shall You  view us with a well-pleased eye.

Be still, my soul: the Son of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.”

We bow our heads, we pray to You. We end our words  and whole heartedly say:  “Our soul is still, as we set our minds on the hill, where You laid down Your life, as a perfect sacrifice, forgiving my failures, Dear Lord Jesus, Thank You.“
(1) “Be Still My Soul” by Katherine von Schlegel. 

Water into Wine, Remembering my Journal entry. August 9, 2010

August 9, 2010. On this date, I knew there was a very large lump on my right breast, but I didn’t know what it was at this time.
I was keeping a Bible Journal at the time. Apparently I was in John 2:
On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.”
That was a crisis for this wedding feast. And I was in “crisis” as well.
Jesus said her,”Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not come.”
His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”John 2:4.
In my journal writing I wrote, “Can God be showing me what to do in my crisis?”
I wrote so many years ago, (7 years to be exact):
There were 6 water pots of stone about twenty or thirty gallons apiece. Jesus said to them, “Fill the water pots with water.”
Today feeling very empty and confused, He said, “fill the water pots with water.” Water in the Bible symbolizes the Holy Spirit. And at the wedding they ran out of wine and He said, “Fill the pots with water.”
My very first thought is, the Holy Spirit. I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit!
So, on that day, many years ago, God was showing me personally, intimately what I, Toni, needed to do to get through that day, and the days I didn’t even know were to come, (which included a cancer diagnosis, many doctor and surgeon visits, then chemo, surgery, hormone therapy, etc., etc.
The words of Mary ring so loud to me, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”
“Fill the pots with water.”
That’s what He said.
I knew I needed counsel. He answered me, “Fill your clay vessel with water.”
So, I went to the word about the Holy Spirit:
And not be drunk with wine which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the LORD, giving thanks always…,” Eph. 5:18.
Little did I know, but for me, to help me through and keep me standing on the Rock, to keep faith through all the chemo and chemicals, I would be turning the pages of Then Sings My Soul, by Robert Morgan.
Speaking the words of the hymns, and singing them as I learned them, I was transformed, from fear to courage.
I was continually being transformed- from fear to courage!
So today, a lot has changed. I am healthy and strong. But what’s amazing is the remedy for my crisis today still remains:
“Whatever He says to do, do it.”

Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”
What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him. John 2: 7-11.

Dear Lord, teach me to seek Your face and hear Your voice as I open your word to hear what You say.” In Jesus Name. 
Amen.

Why 'give back?' Because, I've been 'given!'

If I can write a story that inspires someone to hope again, then I have succeeded. I had no hope. I was suffering and despairing, I was low. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and my whole family of 13.
(And yes, they were all mine biologically, and no, we are not Catholic, or Jewish (!) (I would always be asked in NJ). “No we just love Jesus.” was our answer.
The thorns of this life had torn and ripped and brought great loss. Now we had bleeding hearts. And it seemed as if each of us was all alone, each with our own pain, because loss sometimes brings a void of words.
Even in the ‘trying’ to heal, I opened the Bible to page 1 and after reading the word “GOD”, all I could see was, “The earth was…an empty waste, and darkness was upon the face…”(Gen. 1:2). “Yes, that’s me…” is all I could feel.
I remember going for a long walk, all alone. I cried out to God! Yes, out loud with tears down my face – this was a desperate cry to God. Yes, I even yelled at Him! I yelled, “I will never get over this!” “I will never get over this.” And I believed my words. I believed my words!
But my words weren’t true. You see, two weeks later… (and I imagine you are thinking, “Oh, everything smoothed out and the pain and hurts were taken care of.”) Well, think again! Two weeks later it was discovered that I had a very large tumor on my right breast, 5cm x 7cm. I now had great loss AND breast cancer! Truly it seems as if God is mean and heart-less. That God is distant and just doesn’t care.
But something happened – something amazing and huge and transforming and good.
My family was injured so they were numb, but God had a plan. Do you know, (of course you don’t know. That’s why I’m telling my story, so that you WILL know…), that the neighboring community gathered together and extended rides for me to the infusion room – sometimes people I didn’t even know! Friends came and sat with me for hours while I received my poiso…I mean…chemo! People sacrificed their time…for me.
A dear sweet woman in her late 80’s who lived 5 states away sat down and wrote in  a beautiful card with flowers every Tuesday, week after week with the hand written words, “In God we trust” on the envelope and the words “I am praying for you and your family daily, Love Bea” . Every Thursday week after every ‘bald and sick’ week I received mail from  what seemed the very the hands of God saying, “I love you.” “I am with you.” “I will never leave you.” “I have not forsaken you.”
The  swim team of the Y(MCA) that we were members of rallied together and gathered gift cards of activities and eating places so the children could focus on life and health and hope! For a large family, this is a BIG deal! The Y provided a way for the kids to ‘kick out’ their anger’ that they couldn’t even understand at the time,  to ‘kick out’ their fear and uncertainty. The Y was a finger of the strong hand of God for each of my children, saying, “I’ve got a hold of you during this storm.”
Do you want to hear something HUGE? Well, women from the local  church were touched and being that I was sick through the Thanksgiving and Christmas season, they decided to go shopping for the 8 children I had living at home at the time! Yes, the woman went Christmas shopping for my family! The evening they came walking in like Santa with large contractor bags, (yes, 4 of them!), filled with goodies for my kids, I felt like George in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life!’ God walked through the door saying, “I love you!” “I am with you and your family!” Each of you are special to me. I know your names, I know your shoe size. I want to bless you.”
Wonderful, well thought out dinners with amazing desserts and cookies walked their way down our sidewalk through our door being carried by busy people who chose to give their time and substance and effort for me and my family for weeks and weeks! We saw God! We saw the very hand of God! (And somehow, the kids think that dessert comes after every meal now!)
The dinners didn’t always seem appetizing to me however,  because I was very sick on the chemo. So, for many weeks, one of my friends came and shared time and love and …you guessed it, her home-made chicken soup. I had hope because I could hear once again the amazing sound of God’s grace, “Toni, I know what you need. I am here for you.”
I was empty and in the face of darkness, but the “Spirit of God moved upon the …” hearts of His people. And I was healed.
I was healed of everything that hurt me. The cuts were still there from the thorns, but they healed. God’s hand reached down to touch us through the hearts, minds, hands, and feet of others.
God had a plan. He was working a work of compassion in my heart. But first, He had to allow the ‘rug to pulled out from under my feet’.
I had no hope, but now I hope to better spot the person that feels ’empty and void and filled with darkness.’ And now, I hope to ‘give back’ – be it a card, or a phone call, or prayer with someone, or a song…(you don’t have to ‘join an organization’ to do that!)
Those little things are as big as the hand of God! I know first-hand.
Why ‘give back?’ Because I’ve been ‘given!’