Tag: chemo

Cancer with a little “c” helped me SEE Christ with a capital “C”

   

(God’s Hand painting: JonathanRypkema, 2010.)

I didn’t begin to write until my cancer fight.

But, I had to write, if only for myself.

God placed on my heart to write that I might remember good themes while facing the battle before me.

Cancer changes you. For me,  it was for good.

I had many cancers of thought and attitude as well, growing in my heart after “life happens,” in other words,  great affliction and testing.

Through a flood of trial, thought patterns of fear, anger, and uncertainty came over me through the course of a day and the battle felt too great to overcome, yes, even in the Lord. 

Yes, “My flesh and my heart,” did fail, but “God was the strength of my heart and my portion forever” Psalm  73:26. 

The physical battle of cancer kicked me into a renewed faith to live, abide, and trust in God, moment by moment.

Has your life been rudely interrrupted by something tramatic and painful? 

God did not “cause” this cancer, but He is in control and He most certainly “allowed” this trial in my life. 

It’s as if I ws “blind” to many wonderful things about God, and He allowed me to “SEE HIM” in my agony like never before.

So much so, I became what some might say, a “Jesus Freak,” so to speak!

How will we know God is All-sufficient until we’re allowed to be in a place where we have no sufficiency in ourselves.

After the cancer diagnosis, I grew strong through the Word of God by day,  but, I admit,  at night, fear would come rushing in to envelope me.

I recited aloud scriptures I had memorized. They permeated deep inside me, increasing my faith in a God I couldn’t see, but I believed was drawing near to me, personally, individually, intimately.

I prayed the name of Jesus, over and again. Victory of anxious thoughts was won moment by moment.

Weeks before the cancer diagnosis, I was feeling pains in my pelvic bone and excessive fatigue. After the diagnosis, before the scans, I feared the cancer had spread to my bones. Would I have a fourth stage diagnosis?

One particular night I felt compelled to get out of bed, to literally fall prostrate before the Lord.

I prayed,

“Lord God, I’m afraid this cancer has  metastasized to my bones. Please heal me. Heal my bones.”

I went back to bed. The verse in 2 Kings came to mind, “Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.”
I felt the crazy desire to pray in this manner, seven times. 

So, I prayed on my face that night seven times.

I prayed in Jesus’ name for mercy and healing of my body. 

Weeks later, my bone scan results were clear.  However, a large cancer tumor, remained in my breast. What to do?

My father, Dr. Ernst E. Born, M.D. had passed away some years before.  He was an oncologist/surgeon in Arizona. 

As I grew up,  Poloroid pictures of tumors, surgically removed  that day lay on our kitchen counter.  This was a great encouragement for me to take vitamins and strive to be healthy.

I was a natural and alternative medicine person through and through.

After the tests and the diagnosis, my schedule was filled quickly with surgeon and oncology visits. 

The woman behind the surgeon’s office counter was from church.  A Christian song  played from the speaker in the room as I waited. 

I heard a voice, not audibly, but impressed upon me, from behind saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” as I walked in to meet the oncologist. 

“This is the way, walk in it,” chemo, surgery, traditional medicine, but I had a peace that passed all my understanding. God was with me. 

Part of the  chemo I had to endure was nicknamed by my oncology nurse, The Red Devil, because it was red and it kills cancer. (Adriamycin was used decades before by my dad to fight cancer. He would’ve been happy.)

Chemo has it’s good, I suppose, and it’s bad, and ugly.Chemo was the hardest thing I had ever been through in my life, and I birthed eleven children, completely natural.

After my third treatment, my dear friend drove me home after I was loaded up with the prescribed chemo for that day. Within an hour I was sick. My body wasn’t used to such invasion.

I laid down after my friend Andrea had prayed for me. She reluctantly left me to have some rest while my sweet neighbor Estelle had the kids for a bit. With my eyes closed, I felt I could feel death in my bones.

Anyway, I started talking to God with fear,  “Lord, I think they misjudged the amount of chemo.”

I thought I was dying. I was looking for lights or brightness.  I saw none.

Anyway, I saw darkness. But suddenly there was a door.

It was open. There was light shining out of the door. Then I saw His hands, palms side up. Scarred, but healed.

“Not all know Me as their King,” (words from Glen Keane’s children’s book, Adam Raccoon and the Mighty Giant,  I read thousands of times), were the thoughts that I heard clearly in my heart.

I knew right then, I was going to live. God gave me marching orders for my future.

The hands that were stretched out in the vision had the scars from the nails.

Jesus knows all about scars . . . because He laid down His life for each one of us. Especially me. Especially you. Everyone.

And, as best I can, being in this fleshy human body, with many weaknesses and temptations, I would like to lay down my life for Him. 

One day at a time. Moment by moment.

God allows us trial. He has us enter battles of emotion, physical weakness, spiritual fatigue. But God,. . . 

He faithfully brings us through. He brought me through. I was carried by the prayers of the saints, through His Word, and , one more point to my story,

He brought me to the hymns. I’m a guitarist. I came to know the Lord in a contemporary church. But He allowed trial. And, for someone who doesn’t sit well, He allowed great stillness.

 That same afternoon, after the third chemo treatment, after the vision,  I opened a hymnal on the shelf to Be Still My Soul:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Its as if I never knew this truth, and it was for me, right then: The Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

The Spirit of the living God fell afresh on me and ministered a breath of restoration and hope in me.

I could go out in peace and  the courage of God.

He loved me through my times of doubt and fear, and He loves us still through our struggles. He meets us there when we seek Him.

God encouraged me, “Draw near to Me, and I’ll draw near to you.” 

I learned Be Still My Soul on the guitar and sang it to myself often. It’s recorded with parts of Psalm 18, to be music therapy for me, and hopefully someone else going through trial.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds shall know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

 Katharina Amalia Dorothea von Schlegel

.

Let me know if my story brings comfort in any way. It makes it all worth it. Every bit of it.

Water into Wine, Remembering my Journal entry. August 9, 2010

August 9, 2010. On this date, I knew there was a very large lump on my right breast, but I didn’t know what it was at this time.
I was keeping a Bible Journal at the time. Apparently I was in John 2:
On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.”
That was a crisis for this wedding feast. And I was in “crisis” as well.
Jesus said her,”Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not come.”
His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”John 2:4.
In my journal writing I wrote, “Can God be showing me what to do in my crisis?”
I wrote so many years ago, (7 years to be exact):
There were 6 water pots of stone about twenty or thirty gallons apiece. Jesus said to them, “Fill the water pots with water.”
Today feeling very empty and confused, He said, “fill the water pots with water.” Water in the Bible symbolizes the Holy Spirit. And at the wedding they ran out of wine and He said, “Fill the pots with water.”
My very first thought is, the Holy Spirit. I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit!
So, on that day, many years ago, God was showing me personally, intimately what I, Toni, needed to do to get through that day, and the days I didn’t even know were to come, (which included a cancer diagnosis, many doctor and surgeon visits, then chemo, surgery, hormone therapy, etc., etc.
The words of Mary ring so loud to me, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”
“Fill the pots with water.”
That’s what He said.
I knew I needed counsel. He answered me, “Fill your clay vessel with water.”
So, I went to the word about the Holy Spirit:
And not be drunk with wine which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the LORD, giving thanks always…,” Eph. 5:18.
Little did I know, but for me, to help me through and keep me standing on the Rock, to keep faith through all the chemo and chemicals, I would be turning the pages of Then Sings My Soul, by Robert Morgan.
Speaking the words of the hymns, and singing them as I learned them, I was transformed, from fear to courage.
I was continually being transformed- from fear to courage!
So today, a lot has changed. I am healthy and strong. But what’s amazing is the remedy for my crisis today still remains:
“Whatever He says to do, do it.”

Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.
Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”
They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.”
What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him. John 2: 7-11.

Dear Lord, teach me to seek Your face and hear Your voice as I open your word to hear what You say.” In Jesus Name. 
Amen.