You see, I grew up with only the fairy tales. I grew up with the finger’s – crossed and the blown up Easter Bunnies and Santa Clause coming to town, and also the tooth fairy – but the fears and the insecurities and then anger rooted itself so deep in me-that there was no way out.
All the believing I was doing was only in things like a vapor in a cloud.
When I reached for what I thought had substance to hold on to, it would simply vanish into thin air.
I moved away from my home in Arizona to NYC, and the ‘mess’ that was inside me was working its way to destroy every bit of life in me, the ‘mess’ manifested itself in an eating disorder. My life became unmanageable.
I wasn’t seeking God. I wasn’t thinking about God – but He knew me and He was watching me. So, in desperation, one day, I walked into a room filled with people with the same struggle and I read a poster on the wall- it only had one word on it- written in large letters: GOD.
The mystery? That written word on the wall was the beginning of the rest of my life.
You see, I needed something that had substance to hold on to – vapor couldn’t hold me.
I knew all the things that I needed to do. But, I had no power to do them. Self-destruction and defeat followed me like a shadow.
Somehow, I realized that GOD was the help I needed. I knew then and there that my only hope was Him.
I didn’t need some “religion’ or “going through the motions.” I needed a Savior.
I actually owned a Bible that was given to me in High School by the Key Club. I had packed it with me in my move from Arizona to NYC. Doesn’t everyone need to pack a Bible when moving from your hometown to NYC as a 19 year old?
I had an eating disorder.
My mind believed true things that weren’t: “You’re fat.” “You’ll never work off all those calories.” “There’s no hope for you.” “Why’d you eat that?”
Like a circus spinning in a hundred directions with scary clowns and music of confusion, my life was unraveling.
I had no peace.
I had the goals. I had the “how to” books.
But on that day, when my heart screamed inside of me, “I’m sick of being sick!”
Hunger set in. The exit door to this “life of insanity,” was my #1 goal. No more hiding behind pretty smiles with a self-defeating heart, I sat in a building that had the word: GOD.
My search for Him began. I bought a Bible and I started reading.
I remember reading one verse in particular, Jesus said it,“If any man come after Me, let him deny himself . . .” (Matthew 16:24).
God impressed upon my heart this thought, “Toni, you are destroying yourself with this impulsive – compulsive behavior. I want you to deny yourself of that – because I want to give you a life that is free and full.
“If any man come after Me, let him deny himself, pick up his cross, and follow Me.” As I was learning how to eat without ‘great panic’ ,and ‘denying myself ‘ the destructive behavior that occupied so much of my mental brain, time and energy, God had me focus on the next part of the verse: “pick up your cross…” And even though I didn’t really understand what ‘pick up your cross’ meant, God started helping me understand this simply to mean, ‘not my will but God’s’ .
This is what He wanted me to remember , that ‘picking up my cross was,’ Not my will that wanted to destroy all the good, but God’s will’ which was to love me and give me life and even abundant at that.
He wanted me to have joy.
God began to heal my angry spirit. I learned to continue to “follow Him” (Matthew 16:24), and not my own crazy roller coaster path, to the best of my ability. He drew me to Himself. And through time, He healed me completely, He saved me from the ‘self-destructive’ road I was traveling on, He raised me up from a pit and set my feet on a Rock.
He unveiled Himself in His word.
“Call unto Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you know not of.”(Jeremiah 33:3). He did for me, and He still is, day by day.
And the reason I tell my story. Because I want you to know that He did, and to be reminded that…
Nothing is impossible with God. (Matthew 17:20).
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