Tag: My story

Notebook Praises Plus (a bit of) My Cancer Story

“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men,” (people). “The Lord is at hand” Philippians 4:4,5.

tonirypkema.com

Today.

Yesterday.

Moving forward.

I can take joy in the Lord. I can’t always have joy in my circumstances, the weather, my location, or my past, but I can always take joy in the Lord.

He alone is good.

He’s holy. Perfect in all His ways. He’s the lover of our souls. Patient, gracious, slow to anger, kind. The Lord God Almighty.

He’s completely trustworthy, yet at times, hard for me to trust. If it wasn’t for His Word, my thoughts would believe He’s the opposite of all He is.

He allows great trial, confusion, pain.

Do I believe Him when everything falls apart?

His Word tells me He knows my name. Do I believe this in the moments when I can barely remember my own?

He hears the worries I have, my cries, my tears.

But doubt sometimes floods my being to bring me down as a sickness.

My faith fails, (past, present, and future), yet God remains faithful and true. No matter what.

“You’ve got cancer.”

My diagnosis, not someone else. This was trial number three, not one.

I lost faith, became afraid, yet in the fight, my sister told me, “Toni, the people who keep faith do best.”

Where else could I go? I looked to the Lord.

He helped me through my failures and gave me the strength to trust Him, (one day at a time) with eleven healthy, full-term births, and four miscarriages along the way.

The Lord upheld my marriage, year after year for better, worse, sickness, health, richer, and poorer.

The trials opened my eyes to the presence of the Lord, His keeping power and grace. Only one set of footprints could be found in the sand. Jesus carried me with compassion, grace, and love that bore all my “stuff.”

He brought “prayer warriors,” from all over the map. Food, gifts for the kids, desserts, cards, phone calls . . . the Lord was a present help. He was with me. He brought family, friends, songs, hymns, His Word.

I put all my eggs in one basket. The Jesus basket.

Cancer opened my eyes to many failures and sicknesses in my heart. When we pray prayers like, “Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting,” you better believe, God will answer. (Psalm 139:23,24).

Cancer gave me more than it took away, it gave me an increased faith in the true and living God.

After my third chemo treatment, I came home feeling very sick. The sickness was to begin in a day and a half, not an hour and a half. The kids were spending time with a neighbor.

Laying down on the couch, eyes closed, I felt death in my bone marrow.

My body was rocked hard with the chemo. It wasn’t used to anything meds, ever. Not even for childbirth! But, fighting cancer, . . . I did the chemo.

Did they give me too much Adriamycin?

Shouldn’t I be seeing lights? It’s so dark. I thought I was going to die. Darkness was there, but then . . .

I had a vision. (I know you’ll think I’m crazy,) but a door opened in the darkness and light came through.

Two, healed, but nail-pierced hands stretched out of the open door. Then words (which I had read thousands of times from my favorite children’s book by Glen Keane), came to mind:

“Not all know Me as their King.”

That was it.

This was huge!

I had the assurance I was to live. But even more.

The Lord enlisted me in His army. He gave me work to do.

Weeks later, when I was strong enough to return to church, a guest Missionary pastor highlighted on the screen a verse from Philippians 1:25,26.

“And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ . . . “

Again, the Lord was speaking, “Toni, you’re going to make it through this horrible sickness and multiple trials, but you will now share joy and faith in My name with others.”

Yes, “Rejoice in the Lord, and again I will say, rejoice!”

I will never be ashamed to share the Good News of the One who has saved my life for salvation and every continuing day on this thorny earth.

While I have my being, I’m living for Jesus. He’s the only One Who truly, completely, perfectly Loves. (Period).

Jesus loves me, you, every human being on this planet. We all need Him.

This is not a religion. This is life, hope, peace, and love. This is what the world needs . . .

Do you know Jesus as your King? Perhaps the time is now.

In any present darkness, a breath to praise brings the Lord’s presence of light.

“Be still my soul, the Lord is in thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change, He faithfully will remain.

Be still my soul, thy best and heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.”(Hymn, Be Still My Soul by Katharina von Schlegel).

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, My God, my strength, in whom I will trust . . .

He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support.

He brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me . . . For who is God, except the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect . . . The LORD lives! Blessed be my Rock!

It is God who avenges me . . . Therefore I will give thanks to You, O LORD . . . And sing praises to Your name” Psalm 18.

I recorded Be Still My Soul with portions of Psalm 18 in the midst of my cancer battle 10 years ago. Bald, sick from chemo, weak, anxious about finances, and school lessons and schedules, kid’s health, etc., yet speaking and singing hymns was God’s living and breathing therapy for me.

He lifted me. The LORD God, Creator of the heavens and earth and everything in it held me up. The prayers of family and the saints far and wide were heard by the Lord.

His hand was on our family. He gave exceptional gifts to my kids. God was faithful, (even in my faithlessness at times). What a gracious, compassionate God, slow to anger, abounding in mercy and forgiveness, (Ex. 34:6,7).

Yes, I believe God’s Word. He touched me physically, emotionally, and spiritually and kept me during a very dark time, and continues each and every day continuing.

“I LOVE the LORD, because He has heard My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live . . . ” Psalm 116:1,2.

And of my days, there will be no end. All because of Jesus taking all my failure on the cross. He forgives me. He cleansed me. He gives me hope today. He is risen, and He continually raises me up and rescues me.

And He stretches His arms out and offers this to all who will believe. “Yes, Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. Increase my faith.”

If there is one person this blesses, it’s enough for me -Toni

Cancer with a little “c” helped me SEE Christ with a capital “C”

   

(God’s Hand painting: JonathanRypkema, 2010.)

I didn’t begin to write until my cancer fight.

But, I had to write, if only for myself.

God placed on my heart to write that I might remember good themes while facing the battle before me.

Cancer changes you. For me,  it was for good.

I had many cancers of thought and attitude as well, growing in my heart after “life happens,” in other words,  great affliction and testing.

Through a flood of trial, thought patterns of fear, anger, and uncertainty came over me through the course of a day and the battle felt too great to overcome, yes, even in the Lord. 

Yes, “My flesh and my heart,” did fail, but “God was the strength of my heart and my portion forever” Psalm  73:26. 

The physical battle of cancer kicked me into a renewed faith to live, abide, and trust in God, moment by moment.

Has your life been rudely interrrupted by something tramatic and painful? 

God did not “cause” this cancer, but He is in control and He most certainly “allowed” this trial in my life. 

It’s as if I ws “blind” to many wonderful things about God, and He allowed me to “SEE HIM” in my agony like never before.

So much so, I became what some might say, a “Jesus Freak,” so to speak!

How will we know God is All-sufficient until we’re allowed to be in a place where we have no sufficiency in ourselves.

After the cancer diagnosis, I grew strong through the Word of God by day,  but, I admit,  at night, fear would come rushing in to envelope me.

I recited aloud scriptures I had memorized. They permeated deep inside me, increasing my faith in a God I couldn’t see, but I believed was drawing near to me, personally, individually, intimately.

I prayed the name of Jesus, over and again. Victory of anxious thoughts was won moment by moment.

Weeks before the cancer diagnosis, I was feeling pains in my pelvic bone and excessive fatigue. After the diagnosis, before the scans, I feared the cancer had spread to my bones. Would I have a fourth stage diagnosis?

One particular night I felt compelled to get out of bed, to literally fall prostrate before the Lord.

I prayed,

“Lord God, I’m afraid this cancer has  metastasized to my bones. Please heal me. Heal my bones.”

I went back to bed. The verse in 2 Kings came to mind, “Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.”
I felt the crazy desire to pray in this manner, seven times. 

So, I prayed on my face that night seven times.

I prayed in Jesus’ name for mercy and healing of my body. 

Weeks later, my bone scan results were clear.  However, a large cancer tumor, remained in my breast. What to do?

My father, Dr. Ernst E. Born, M.D. had passed away some years before.  He was an oncologist/surgeon in Arizona. 

As I grew up,  Poloroid pictures of tumors, surgically removed  that day lay on our kitchen counter.  This was a great encouragement for me to take vitamins and strive to be healthy.

I was a natural and alternative medicine person through and through.

After the tests and the diagnosis, my schedule was filled quickly with surgeon and oncology visits. 

The woman behind the surgeon’s office counter was from church.  A Christian song  played from the speaker in the room as I waited. 

I heard a voice, not audibly, but impressed upon me, from behind saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” as I walked in to meet the oncologist. 

“This is the way, walk in it,” chemo, surgery, traditional medicine, but I had a peace that passed all my understanding. God was with me. 

Part of the  chemo I had to endure was nicknamed by my oncology nurse, The Red Devil, because it was red and it kills cancer. (Adriamycin was used decades before by my dad to fight cancer. He would’ve been happy.)

Chemo has it’s good, I suppose, and it’s bad, and ugly.Chemo was the hardest thing I had ever been through in my life, and I birthed eleven children, completely natural.

After my third treatment, my dear friend drove me home after I was loaded up with the prescribed chemo for that day. Within an hour I was sick. My body wasn’t used to such invasion.

I laid down after my friend Andrea had prayed for me. She reluctantly left me to have some rest while my sweet neighbor Estelle had the kids for a bit. With my eyes closed, I felt I could feel death in my bones.

Anyway, I started talking to God with fear,  “Lord, I think they misjudged the amount of chemo.”

I thought I was dying. I was looking for lights or brightness.  I saw none.

Anyway, I saw darkness. But suddenly there was a door.

It was open. There was light shining out of the door. Then I saw His hands, palms side up. Scarred, but healed.

“Not all know Me as their King,” (words from Glen Keane’s children’s book, Adam Raccoon and the Mighty Giant,  I read thousands of times), were the thoughts that I heard clearly in my heart.

I knew right then, I was going to live. God gave me marching orders for my future.

The hands that were stretched out in the vision had the scars from the nails.

Jesus knows all about scars . . . because He laid down His life for each one of us. Especially me. Especially you. Everyone.

And, as best I can, being in this fleshy human body, with many weaknesses and temptations, I would like to lay down my life for Him. 

One day at a time. Moment by moment.

God allows us trial. He has us enter battles of emotion, physical weakness, spiritual fatigue. But God,. . . 

He faithfully brings us through. He brought me through. I was carried by the prayers of the saints, through His Word, and , one more point to my story,

He brought me to the hymns. I’m a guitarist. I came to know the Lord in a contemporary church. But He allowed trial. And, for someone who doesn’t sit well, He allowed great stillness.

 That same afternoon, after the third chemo treatment, after the vision,  I opened a hymnal on the shelf to Be Still My Soul:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Its as if I never knew this truth, and it was for me, right then: The Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

The Spirit of the living God fell afresh on me and ministered a breath of restoration and hope in me.

I could go out in peace and  the courage of God.

He loved me through my times of doubt and fear, and He loves us still through our struggles. He meets us there when we seek Him.

God encouraged me, “Draw near to Me, and I’ll draw near to you.” 

I learned Be Still My Soul on the guitar and sang it to myself often. It’s recorded with parts of Psalm 18, to be music therapy for me, and hopefully someone else going through trial.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds shall know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

 Katharina Amalia Dorothea von Schlegel

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Let me know if my story brings comfort in any way. It makes it all worth it. Every bit of it.

Knowing God through Worship, Everyday

Many years ago, sitting high above the row of seats in the sanctuary in a small, separated “new mom’s room” with a window. I was alone with a new baby. Jesus and me and a new-born. It was my fourth child.

Worship was in progress.

My heart was over-flowing with thanks to God for a healthy baby, for a safe delivery, for energy to be at church with a one-week old.

Holding a new little miracle, (as all children are), I came to the house of worship to give thanks to God.

I will confess, when I first found out I was expecting, again, . . .  my heart and mind didn’t take hold of celebration, but instead, fear and anxiety, “Who has four kids?”

“I’ll probably never play the guitar again.”

God could see my selfishness in the beginning, but, He had a plan.

God patiently loved me still. He turned my heart completely.

He changed me.

I came to worship Him.

Who is God besides our Lord?

There is no love like God’s love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

God endured all for me, and you.

God’s love believes in me, and you.

God’s love hopes all things for everybody.

“God’s love never fails.”

My mind couldn’t (and can’t) fully comprehend the width and depth of God’s love.  But holding this knew baby, somehow, my spirit knew the language to speak,

“Worship Him.”

This was an extra-ordinary day, but what about the ordinary? What if we make the choice? Today. To have a heart of praise.

Let’s worship God. Let’s lift up spiritual words with the sound of our voice to meet the Lord in a quiet place. That He might meet us here, and pour out His grace:

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
Early in the morning our song shall rise to thee.
Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!

A worshipful heart has no room for complaint or lack. God’s presence dwells in praise. He brings peace to experience His love.

He is our Father in heaven. He is holy. He alone is Love:

Holy, holy, holy! All the saints adore thee,
casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea;
cherubim and seraphim falling down before thee,
who wert, and art, and evermore shalt be.

The Father gave, the Son obeyed, the Spirit reminds me, “Worship the King.”

And in the very act of worship,

we believe Him purer, understand Him greater, sense His love deeper.

Holy, holy, holy! Though the darkness hide thee,
though the eye of sinful man thy glory may not see,
only thou art holy; there is none beside thee
perfect in pow’r, in love, and purity.

Oh, to have a heart of worship this day. Not just those precious moments, but the ordinary days as well.

“Oh, that we would know You greater, God of Love and grace. Empty us of ourselves and fill us with Your praise:

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
All thy works shall praise thy name in earth and sky and sea.
Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty!
God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!

Why Write?

I felt as if God woke me up and put on my heart, “Get up and write.” Not only last night, but after the cancer diagnosis.

“You’ve got cancer,” were the words from the Doctor eight years ago.

As many of you know, these words change your lives forever.

The urgency to write came. And, yes, even if the words were written primarily for me. God wanted me to write.

I didn’t know then that I would see eight years out, as I am today. During treatments, everything’s a blur.

I wrote to keep my vision as clear as possible of the Lord.

And, many of you know, I didn’t always have clear vision. Often, my view became distorted, warped, foggy. I needed help staying on course.

I’ll never forget a phone call with my sister Susie after a handful of treatments. I was more than under the weather. I felt thrown under the bus. (I will be blunt and honest,

I’m a believer in Jesus. He has washed my horrible sins away. He gave me His Holy Spirit to convict, convince, and reveal Christ . . .

I was hurting and completely without strength. I wanted to go home!  To heaven, home. Yes, exclamation point).

My sister Susie said the best words I needed to hear that day. They don’t seem like much, but they were the perfect reminder I needed to hear:

“Toni, people that keep faith do better in their battle.”

That was it. I had to keep faith.

Immediately, I had the will to live return. God does the changes in our heart that we can’t do ourselves.

That’s why I write. To remind myself Christ is the Rock. Cancer is not a podium to stand on, no, Jesus must be lifted up because He’s the giver of life after death. Jesus is the hope of heaven.

Jesus is our everything. We don’t realize it until someone gives you a death sentence.

The one truth in life, that is often pushed out of sight out of mind, is the fact that 100% of us will die. At some time or another, each of us will face death.

But I write because I don’t have to face death. This is the glory of it all. Our resurrected Lord, will resurrect us to be with Him in paradise. We only graduate to our home.

But we need each other. To spur us on for love and good works. My sister spurred me on to the best work I could ever do in my whole life: Keep believing God. Always.

When we don’t have strength to hold on, He’s got a hold on us.

Don’t condemn yourself for becoming weary and faithless. He is faithful. And, while it is today,

I will write, to the glory of God, I will.

“Where, O death, is your victory?

    Where, O death, is your sting?”[i]

 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” 1 Corinthians 15:55-58.

God is good. All the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tell me something good."

“Tell me something good.”
“Are your ears open then? What’s the focus of your eyes? Take a minute to see into your heart, is it bleeding in pain from loss, or even shame? Or is your heart hardened by kicks and pushes and mean looks and lies?”
“I will tell you something good. In your sorrow, in your pain, in your brokenness and even in your  shame. God loves you. The true and living God, the One Who sent His Son, He loves with an everlasting love- and He is forever the same.”
“There is no shadow of turning with Him. He sees your doubts, he sees your fears, he knows the anger and the hurt. He even counts your tears.”
“He doesn’t give up on you. He is waiting… He ‘suffers long.’ He is able to accomplish all that concerns you today. But there is one requirement on your part – oh, not to ‘do good’ and ‘get your act together’, don’t you know the Power of His Spirit will do that in and through you all-together!  No, not that, those you will do in the Power of His name, –
but first, open your ears, and lift up your eyes, and hear and see the Love in His eyes. Can you see His hands reaching out to you? They are scarred just like your life, but they are healed  –  through and through! And if you cry out His name with your willing but broken heart, He will take hold of it and wash the doubt and fear and sin all away. He will comfort and mend and wrap you in compassion…
His name is Jesus. So you ask, “how do you know all this then?”
“Because, this is my story. I just tell you again, what God did  for me when I was broken and torn – even beyond what I thought, any remedy! But He came and He showed me His love, and yes… He reached out His hands-that I might see that ‘He knew’. So I tell you today, because I know deep in my heart – it doesn’t matter where you’ve been, what you’ve done or gone through – Jesus, He is the Good Shepherd after all,
and you His dear lamb, He is calling… you!”
“Can you hear His voice? Ask Him to Help! He will show you truly, that you are His love, and YOU are His choice!”
(“Where do I get all my information? Yes, the Good Word, the Bible! Read it aloud, it will give you great satisfaction!”)